Are The Braxtons Like The Smurfs? [Reality Round-Up]

SHOW: Braxton Family Values

Who: Toni, Tamar, Towanda, Trina, Traci mother and Michael Jr and Sr. Braxton with Vincent Herbert

When– April 2011 – June 2011

Season Two – November 2011 – February 2012

NETWORK: WEtv

Why We Watched: Grammy award winning recording artist Toni Braxton gives the outside world a glimpse into her family life. But the show is like a grown up bizzaro-world version of the Smurfs with money, wigs and a lot of weave. Every one of the sisters look almost exactly alike except for some small alteration that lets you tell them apart and highlights their personality at the same time. A breakdown? Sure…

Toni Braxton aka Robot Smurf: The oldest, the star, the queen of the monotone throne who loves to play Buzz Killington during fun times outside the house. She gets a pass on that mostly because her Lupus regulates her to the bench more often than not. At the same time though, there’s no medical explanation for her only wanting to be featured on the Braxton family album which has essentially deaded the project as a whole. Did I mention this is the same woman who is in debt up to her eyes, declared bankruptcy and still seems to move like a long lost Trump?

Traci Braxton aka Thuggy (Chubby) Smurf: The 2nd sister who never made it far enough to get to Toni’s shadow. While the rest of the girls were out on the road getting it popping, she got pregnant and stayed behind in the family’s original city of Baltimore to raise her child and marry her husband. She’s still got what it takes and knows that her best shot to recapture the Braxton magic is with a family album but her sisters don’t share her enthusiasm. And when those moments appear, so does the Baltimore in her… and it comes out her mouth. You can take the girl out the hood…

Towanda Braxton aka Mannish Smurf: Chiseled juuust enough in the face to make a brotha think twice, Towanda may have the most hood name but is actually a very dedicated mom, now. As Toni’s personal assistant she swapped out many a moment with her own husband and kids to hold down the eldest Braxton abroad. But now she’s not as close to her kids as their father and wants that time back. The irony is she will still drop everything to run to her sister’s side, squeezing in her marriage in between. Tired of being the breadwinner, she’s separated from her husband under claims that his dreams of being an author aren’t lucrative enough. But all he can see is her supporting her sister’s dreams while she wipes her hind-parts with his.

Trina Braxton aka Party Smurf: This is the sister mashed up in the middle of everything. The self-confessed “tri-sexuals” (“I’ll try anything once”) problems have her gaining weight. She’s been on the road with the group but is also looking to make her own lane with a new band. But after finding out her husband had been creeping, she’s thrown herself into the band and her sisters and alcohol to the tune of a DUI.

Tamar Braxton aka Spoiled Smurf: What’s the formula here? Take the baby of the family and spoil her rotten. Add a beautiful face divided by a massive insecurity complex boosted by a need to grab the spotlight from her more famous sibling. Add in a self –centered sense of entitlement, an inability to accept responsibility for any wrong-doing, the sensitivity of a project brick, the personality of a rottweiler and the attitude and mannerisms of a flaming gay man parody. Now multiply that all with a rich husband who happens to be Toni Braxton’s former manger that still handles clients like Lady Gaga and you have Tamar.

Tami Talks…

I love it, I love it I love it. I love Toni, Tamar is my favorite. You never know what is going to come out of her mouth. Some of her Tamarisms like “get your life” are so funny. She adds a dynamic to the show where people can laugh a little. I heard she and Vince are getting a spin-off and I would definitely watch that.

Impact: So what do you get when the five talented and beautiful daughters of a priest who cheated on their mother and shattered their perception of men who are let out into the world and onto the television screen? The kind of daddy issues that drive Drake platinum. But hey… They’re all working it out in therapy and… maybe it’s just creative editing

Aftermath: Although the family drama continues to roll on, it looks the big wigs at WE are toying with the idea of a show focused around Tamar and her rich music exec husband Vincent Herbert… oh joy.

Don’t believe us on the Smurfs analogy? Watch this clip of the family in therapy and you’ll see what we mean.