Where Were Your Boys?: How Dwyane Wade Killed “The Break”

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Well it’s a new year. And while everyone around the world was looking forward to fresh new beginnings in 2014, some of us couldn’t resist earning a few last minute fuckery points before 2013 said sayonara.

Enter ya boy D-Wade… mostly because he entered someone other than his long time former girlfriend and current fiancé Gabriel Union.

Ten days after he announced his engagement and less than 48 hours before the ball dropped, news hit the wire that Dwayne welcomed a brand new baby boy into the world via Aja Metoyer a.k.a. a girl other than Gabby. And to top off the taco Ms. Metoyer just so happens to be the mother of not one, but two future funny folks fathered by Damon Wayans Jr.

Somewhere in the world, Tony Parker just coughed up a croissant in laughter…

So just to throw this on repeat for the cheap seats. Dwayne Wade decided to skip on throwing a seed in the often coveted but barely bagged Gabrielle so he could have a bouncing baby scandal with a minor league Wayans?

wade baby

Dude, Where were your boys??

Why in the blue hell would you decide to toss a baby anywhere else but one of the most coveted women in Hollywood who happens to like you? First you want us to believe that your girlfriend really decided to “take a break,” from the relationship… which sounds about as likely as Jordan coming outta retirement in 2014. And even if that was the case, Ms Union didn’t unite with anyone else condom free! Dude, assuming you didn’t just get caught creeping? You’ve officially killed the concept of “the break” for every red-blooded American man that may have actually needed one worse than Ross on Friends. You slid with the local jumper, hit nothing but net with a chick other than your actress and pulled the kind of Pick and Roll Pat Riley did not have in mind. How could anyone think it’s a good idea to have your son become a sidekick on “In Living Color: Sins Of The Fathers Edition”?

Were the family reunions not looking spicy enough? I mean, I understand why you wouldn’t go to Chris Bosh for help… I’m pretty sure he remembers when you laughed at his wife for being Lil Wayne’s ex jumpoff… Pretty sure he decided karma came as a broken condom for The Flash. That’s assuming you even used one in the first pace. Talk about a technical foul.

Way to make LeBron’s moms dating a rapper yesterday’s news in the locker room.

edna mode pull yourself together

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