By now we’ve all heard the talk. Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine are selling Beats By Dre headphones to the monster known as Apple for 3.2 Billion dollars. Thats right… BILLION. A deal that would officially catapult Dre past Diddy to the head of the Forbes list and make him the first Hip-Hop billionaire in history. In a world where money comes before power and respect, all “bosses” are now forced to back down to a man who can single-handedly hold their payroll in the palm of his hand… and not notice it.
Now, true there’s talk that the billionaire label may be a bit premature. After all there are partners, percentages and most importantly, TAXES to consider (Uncle Sam is a hater). But with all the reports and IG stunting via Tyrese, the blood is officially in the water and there’s no un-ringing that bell. And waaay before Dre’s billion bucks, a Brooklyn boy named Biggie told the world Mo Money = Mo Problems. With that in mind TUD decided to give Dre a list of some things to expect when he cashes that big check. Spoiler alert: Get a stun gun.
1 All “Detox” talk will finally cease. However, with no one expecting it this may actually be the ideal time to record it with the pressure off.
2 Rick Ross will trade in recycling Biggie songs for Tupac lyrics. Guard your masters.
3. Whether you’ve met him or not, you are now Floyd Mayweather’s new best friend. #MoneyTeam
5. Anonymous Ciroc-scented hate mail and death threats will come on Revolt stationary.
6. Calls from HBCUs looking for some of that USC love will intensify. Offer $100 Million to the first school that will let you change their name to Hillman.
7. DJ Khaled will want to play H.O.R.S.E. and visit your bathroom for a photo shoot.
8. Kris Jenner will show up unexpectedly wearing a trench coat with a video camera… and Khloe. It’s gonna get weird.
9. Oprah will send you a photo of her on the toilet, smoking a blunt. The caption will read, “Bout time my n*gga… welcome.”
10. Now that you’re down with Apple, owning at least one iPhone will be mandatory. Make sure to turn off that tracking feature and don’t take any phone calls from old video vixens looking to reconnect.
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