Since the news of the Tiger Woods scandal broke there have been erroneous reports of him being dropped by sponsors. However, Buick let Tiger go because of the recession, not his cheating. And Pepsi decided to stop making the Tiger-endorsed “Focus” energy drink for Gatorade way back in November, before all of this mess. (I think they should renew considering how good he’s proven at multi-tasking, *rim shot*).
But as the great John Witherspoon said “hoes gotta eat too” and that includes Tiger Woods. So who could he turn to for those much needed endorsement dollars? We have some suggestions.
Catch Phrase: “Get A Hole In One.”
This unashamed online cheating site runs ads during Football games insisting they can help unhappily married individuals find the perfect jump-off. Clearly the people around Tiger did him dirty and he is probably wishing he had a more discrete circle of friends, or a professional service like this to help cover his tracks.
4. Hummer H2
Catch Phrase: “When you have to haul serious ass…”
Since he crashed a Cadillac he kind of killed that endorsement possibility, but another big, American luxury SUV company would be ideal. The name Hummer is already a rolling sex pun anyway.
3. Trojan Condoms
Catch Phrase: “Even if she spills the beans, we won’t”
Just the name Trojan implies being sneaky, covert and deceitful (didn’t think about that when bought them huh?) And until he got busted Tiger had the entire world thinking he was the last man to pay for threesomes with hookers.
Catch Phrase: “When A Favorite Five Just Isn’t Enough”
With naughty text messages being at the center of his scandal any phone carrier would do, but who would be a better face for their “pay-as-you-go” plan?
Catch Phrase: “You too can have Tiger’s wood.”
This herbal tonic has long believed to enhance sexual potency. Given the sheer number of women that Tiger is rumored to have laid down it’d be pretty easy to believe that he had some help. And hey, it’s already called TIGER BONE. FTW!