My boyfriend and I are expecting a child soon. We love each other but recently I decided to end our relationship. We live far from each other and we haven’t really been talking lately. He asked me to move in with him but I want to get my life together before I try to start one with him. Also, we have jealousy issues. If a guy looks at or talks to me he is ready to fight but, many of his friends are girls who openly flirt with him and he flirts back. If I get upset about it he acts like I am being irrational. The stress from me being pregnant and the girls and the distance between us just got to be a little too much. I’m in love with him and he says he loves me too but he’s not taking this as well as I thought he would. He seems to really be hurt and I’m hurting from this as well. I’m beginning to wonder if I made the wrong decision. Should I take him back or should we remain broken up?
-Confused

Ask The Black Man:

Hello Confused,

It is always tough to be away from someone that you love. In this case you both need to work on some issues before figuring out if it makes sense to get back together. I feel that relationship counseling would be a great thing for the both of you to do if you are really committed in working out your situation. You must get to the core of the issues and create a solution for it. These issues may be things you both have to deal with on an individual basis that may have nothing to do with you being together. Someone who specializes in this field of work must determine this.
My suggestion is to continue talking to one another but don’t jump the gun and get back together. That is not going to solve anything and you will more than likely fall back into the same cycle of drama that you have been previously experiencing. Meeting with a relationship therapist can help break that cycle.

That’s My 99 Cents Worth.

ATBM

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I am a 53-year-old man who has not had a date in the last few years. When I meet women and  they find out I am 53  they tell me that I am too old. Most of the women I meet feel the age difference which can be from 3 years to 10 years younger is too much or the women that are my age want someone who is 10 years younger than me. I am a very active man, still look good, who is not bald has all of his teeth and stands 5’9” and weighs 180 lbs., successful in my career and who doesn’t live at home with Mama. What am I doing wrong here and why can’t I find a woman who will accept me as I am?

Thanks,

Mr. Bjolds

Ask The Black Man:

Hi Mr. Bjolds,
Do not get down on yourself nor blame yourself for doing something wrong. You are not too old to date. I know people in their sixties that are actively dating. Have you ever explored using on-line dating sites? There are sites like singleseniorsmeet.com and singlepeoplemeet.com that can possibly cater to what you want. Also, where have you been meeting all of the women that you are giving these excuses? Let’s get to the basics. What is the age range of the women that you would like to date? Be clear about the type of woman that you want and put that out into the universe.
I suggest attending some community related events. They usually have more of an intimate atmosphere to have conversations with people. If you have a particular hobby, look on line for group events that focus on that hobby. In being apart of that group there is already a common ground of something that you like so that makes it easy for you to talk to someone.
Traveling is also a good way to meet someone. People are in a more relaxed, open mood. Look to see if there are any singles cruises that encompass your age range.
I feel there are many avenues in which you can meet women. You just have to expand your horizon and try new places to do so.

Lastly, always be patient, confident, and most importantly be yourself.

Good Luck.

ATBM

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Why is that married men don’t wear their wedding rings? This occurs especially with men in high profile positions. Would you please explain?

-Delta

Ask The Black Man:

Hello Delta,

I feel you are making a really broad generalization here. So many married men wear their rings and wear them with pride. If there are some that don’t maybe there could be an understanding between he and his spouse as to why he doesn’t. There are probably some men who don’t for selfish reasons, but even in that case you can’t let one bad apple spoil the bunch.

As far as high profile people married men not wearing their rings, the last time I looked the most high profile person in the United States, President Barack Obama, wears his wedding ring. Again, you can’t make a general judgment on all men.

I feel in society the “ring” has more of significance to a woman then a man. Women have aspirations of a beautiful ring and put a lot more thought than men do into the type of ring they want. Perhaps if there was a mutual feeling with this then it might be different. Also, some men don’t like rings in general.

Lastly, my question to you is this: Is it the ring that makes the marriage or is it the actual communion between the two people that make it?

That’s my 99 Cents Worth.

ATBM

More advice from Ask The Black Man!

Does The Man Or Woman Do The Most Work In Bed?

Was I Right To Sue My Friend?

I Keep Attracting The Same Type Of Women. How Do I Break This Cycle?

Am I Wrong To Ask My Wife To Cook For Me?

I’m 27 and a single parent. I don’t do the club scene because I’m tired of seeing the same heads in there. For some reason I always meet up with the same type of men. They mostly lie about whether they are living with their baby mama; married, engaged or they have a girlfriend. Is that all that is out there? I think I am a pretty good catch: I am an honest woman, pay my own bills, cook, clean, take care of my kid and myself…why is it hard to find someone that is real?  I’m not looking for anyone that is perfect because I am far from it, but I would just like to meet someone that is going to appreciate me for who I am.

So tell me Ask The Black Man what’s really going on? I need some insight on all this.

-Losing Hope

Ask The Black Man:

Hello Losing Hope,

This is an issue that both women and men are having. I feel the root of the situation starts from within yourself if these are the same type of men you are encountering. There are plenty of men out there that are single, honest and successful. You must cut the cycle of dating these other types of men. My question to you is where are you meeting the men you date? A suggestion is to go to some professional mixers or events where the chance of meeting the type of men you have been dating in the past is much lower.

Lastly, the best advice I can give you is be clear on what you want in a man. Write down all of the qualities that you want in man. Be VERY specific. In many instances women are not clear with themselves in what they want in a man. Spell it out. Also open your self to meet that person and be patient. Focus on making your self-happy first and the right person will come along in time.

That’s my 99 Cents Worth.

ATBM

More advice from Ask The Black Man!

Does The Man Or Woman Do The Most Work In Bed?

Was I Right To Sue My Friend?

I Keep Attracting The Same Type Of Women. How Do I Break This Cycle?

Am I Wrong To Ask My Wife To Cook For Me?

Dear Ask The Black Man,

I was having a friendly debate with my wife on who does more work between the sheets. Of course I think that that man does most of the work but my wife begs to differ. I want to get your perspective on this. Who do you think puts in the most work?

-Alex

The Black Man:

Hi Alex,

There is not one answer to this because it all depends on what you are doing between the sheets. If a couple is prone to just doing the missionary position I would probably say the man is doing most of the work,even though a woman can be very active in that position. I have had conversations with many men who feel that they are doing most of the work in that position because a lot (not all) women tend to just lay there.

On the flip side (no pun intended) if the woman is on top most time in a cowgirl or reverse cowgirl position she is more prone to be doing most of the work, even though a man can be very active from the bottom as well.

Of course there are many other positions and fetishes that can be done in bed, it just depends on what you are doing in bed and what you are into to determine the balance of the workload.

Lastly, the work can extend outside of the bed in creating an ambiance for if you are into any role-play activities; if so you may want to keep that in mind as well when you are having this debate. Some situations can take a lot of thought, time, and effort.

At the end of day you both should be concerned on pleasing each other rather than being concerned with who is doing most of the work.

Thanks my 99 Cents Worth,

TBM

Classic scene from “Boomerang” Who does all the work?

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Dear Ask The Black Man,

I have a friend that I’ve  been close to for about 15 years. I actually considered him a brother to me. He had a business with a few other people that would help him out with. A situation was worked out in which his company would pay me as an independent contractor.

Things were cool at the beginning but then I was not getting paid on the regular like I was before. I was owed about $3,000 dollars. I know the company was not making a lot of money but I still felt I should have been getting paid. I spoke to my friend about it and he said that he would work on getting it resolved. Time went on and it still was not resolved. I sat down with him again and he explained it was a rough time overall with the business and with him personally, but he would work it out even if it came out of his own pocket doing monthly payments.

A few months passed and I was sent a minimal amount of money that I did not feel acceptable so I rejected it. I was really hurt by this whole situation so I stopped speaking to him and decided to sue him.
We still do not speak and I do miss our friendship. Did I do the right thing?

Aaron

The Black Man:

Hi Aaron,

Mixing business with friendship can wind up getting really sticky. It is unfortunate that it had to get to this point. I can’t say that you were right or wrong in this circumstance. It just depends on which lens you are looking at the situation through and what means more to you. If you are looking it from strictly a business perspective then if he did not honor your agreement you had a valid case in doing so. My question to you is did you just sue him or did you sue the company or all parties involved? If you just solely sued him then I feel that was not the proper thing to do. You should have sued the company or all of the parties involved. The agreement was not solely with your friend even though it seems like he was the person you knew the best.

If you are looking at the situation through the lens of a friend, you would have to weigh what meant more to you, your friendship with him or getting paid the money. Three thousand dollars is a substantial amount of money but was it worth losing a friend? He did say he was going through some issues so that is something to think about. I feel that materialistic items and money can be replaced but good friends and family can not.

You have to think about what meant more to you. If getting money meant more to you than dealing with a bad  situation then you can say that you made the right decision for you. If not then you may have to rethink the actions you took.

Lastly, even through tough times if you guys are true friends you guys will speak again at some point.

That’s my 99 Cents Worth on the situation.

TBM

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I am a 25-year-old male. I have no children and I am finishing up my B.S. in Criminal Justice. I am not a skinny guy but not overweight either. Over the years I have had a tendency to attract the wrong type of women, the ones who have abandonment issues, drama, ghetto mentality, etc. My question is what am I doing wrong in attracting these women and what can I do to find the right one who will not play me for a fool or mess with my emotions? I am getting to the point in my life where I want to find the woman I can share my life with. What can I do to rectify this problem?
- Mr. T

The Black Man:

Hi Mr. T,

This is a cycle that is not difficult to break and it will take a real dose of introspection to do so. You should take a look within yourself and you should be able identify why you have been attracted to these types of females. It could possibly be from a relationship you have observed from within your family at young age, a possible dynamic in your parents’ relationship, or something occurred in your past. If you take some time to look within yourself you will get to the crux of the matter.
Also, where are you meeting these people? Perhaps you may want to change up the places where you are going to meet females. For example, if you are going to a club that has a “ghetto” clientele then that is the type of female you will be prone to meet there.

Lastly, I suggest you write up a list of the characteristics you’d like to find in a woman. This will bring clarity to what you want and will keep you on course in finding that woman to settle down with.

I hope this helps.

Good Luck.

TBM

Have a question for The Black Man? Send your questions to Asktheblackman@gmail.com or hit him on Blackplanet.com HERE.

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Dear Black Man,

I have been married for a couple of years to a wonderful woman. I love her very dearly and she makes me very happy. She’s loving, caring, loyal, spiritual, and traditional. She has all of the qualities that I like in a woman. I take care of her to the fullest where I handle all of the expenses and she is able to stay home and do whatever she wants. We have no kids so there is no overwhelming burden for her. I work very hard for our future and us. The one issue I have is that she does not cook. She actually does not really know how to very well. I asked her to learn and even said I would help her and she always say she will take me up on my offer or take lessons but she never has done it.

I don’t ask for much from her but one thing I would like after working a long, hard day is to have a nice home cooked meal. Am I asking for too much from her to learn how to cook? What should I do?

-Dan

The Black Man:

Hi Dan,

I don’t feel that what you are asking your wife to do is unreasonable, especially if you are taking care of everything that you mentioned. If she even agreed to learn how to cook and has never followed through, perhaps she has some sort of fear or issue with learning that she has not mentioned. Have you ever asked her that?

Regardless if she were to cook for you or not, she should know how to cook for herself. You should know how to survive. Does she just normally eat out all of the time?

Lastly, if you wife bases her life on traditional values then it is extremely surprising that she never learned how to cook and would not take the steps to learn how to. It seems like you are doing your part on the “traditional” values of marriage and she should be doing hers.
Have an open and candid conversation with her about this so there is no resentment that grows in your marriage. It is only fair.

Good Luck.

TBM

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I have been dating this guy for a few months. I really like him a lot and now feel comfortable to have sex with him. We hung last night and I invited him over to my apartment after. We started messing around and I asked if he had a condom because I wanted to have sex with him and he said he thinks we should wait a little longer on having sex. This really threw me for a loop. Does this mean that he does not like me? What should I do?

-Karen

The Black Man:

Hi Karen,

This is nothing to fret over. There could be a few reasons why he did this. Maybe he really likes you he wants to take things slowly. There are a lot of men out there that are not just about sex. I am not sure what his past history is but if he recently has been involved with someone that also may play a role in his decision to not sleep with you.

It also could be as simple as him not feeling that night right to have sex for the first time.

If you have been dating him for a few months then it’s pretty clear that he likes you and if sex has not come up as an issue yet then I would not worry about it. I feel you guys have been dating long enough where you can have an open conversation about this and it should not freak him out. If it does then it is better to know now that you can’t speak about something important than later on.

I hope this helps.

TBM

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Dear Black Man,

I met someone on the Black Planet website. We went out for dinner and immediately hit it off. I kissed on the first date … ugggggh… I couldn’t resist because there were so many sparks. The conversation was great. Dinner was excellent. It was an amazing time. After the date he never called. I finally got a hold of him about 5 days later and asked him to go to dinner. Instead I went to his place and he cooked for me. Guess what happened? Yes … we “did it.” It was kind of planned on both of our parts. I guess we both really wanted it and I know better. Now I am afraid he will never call me again and I really like him a lot.

Not that it matters but he’s black and I am white and we’re both professionals and 40 years of age. He drives me crazy. What should I do?

S&M

The Black Man:

Hi S&M,

It does seem like it was a little bit too soon for you to sleep with him since you really like him and there was no mutual clarity in your situation. I know it can be hard to control your emotions especially when you have strong feelings for someone and the sexual energy is in the air. My question to you is did he have a good reason for not calling you after your first date? You don’t want to be hung out there like a cat on a string chasing this guy and set up for disappointment and possibly just be used for sex. In this case I would wait to see if he reaches out to you. If he reaches out and you hang out again I would take it slow. If he does not I would cut your loss early, get over it and move on.

You can always look at it from the bright side; if he does not call you at least you know from the beginning what he was about rather than investing a lot of time in the situation.

Good Luck and I hope this helps.

TBM

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Dear Ask The Black Man,

I have been dating this guy for a while and we get along really well. We recently just started having sex. I really enjoy it but I am not sure I am pleasing him. A few times he has been in bed after he “climaxed” and he is still fully erect and then got up and said he had to go to the bathroom and was in there for a while. My gut feeling is that he was in there “finishing off the job.” I never thought about it before but is it possible for men to fake orgasms?

-Suzanne

The Black Man:

Hi Suzanne,

Yes, it is possible for men to fake orgasms. I am not sure in this case if he is doing that or not but it is possible. Just how some men may not please a woman in bed, the same goes for women not pleasing men in the bedroom at times.
The best thing you can do is just ask him if he had an orgasm or not. If he did not reach an orgasm then ask him what he likes and does not like in bed. It’s not the end of the world. You guys just started having sex so it may take time for you to click together.

Communication is the best solution.

I hope this advice helps.

TBM

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Dear TBM,

All of my life I have dated people of color and have always felt that the person I would marry would be a person of color. Last year I met a white guy that knocked me off my feet. I have fallen head over heals in love with this guy. I know that this is the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life. My family likes him but are strong believers in marrying within your race. I don’t want to disappoint my family but I also want to do what makes me happy. Am I wrong for wanting to spend the rest of my life with this man?

-Chocolate Swirl

The Black Man:

Hi Chocolate Swirl,

If feel that you are being a little hard on yourself for wanting to be with someone you love that is not in your race. If your family likes him already I can’t foresee them not liking him if you decide to marry him. There are lot of people that get married for the wrong reasons and simply neglect main reasons why two people should get married; which is because they love each other and make each other happy.

So if this is the person that makes you happy then go for it and everything else will fall into place.

Good Luck,

TBM

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Dear Blackman,

What is your best advice for lethargy in life relationships and motivational passion to pursue worldly goals?

-VH

The Black Man:

Hi VH,

My first suggestion is to create a list of your goals so that you have a guideline and time line for achieving them. Second, you should create a team around you that can help you achieve your goals and keep you motivated.

For example, if your goal is to be a millionaire then you should start associating with  people that know how to make money. Even ask someone that is a millionaire if they are willing to be your mentor. Most people who are successful in something like to share their experience and knowledge with someone who is trying to achieve what they have done.

No one can achieve something on their own so it is always good to establish a good team. Make sure to have that person(s) that can motivate you when you are in that lethargic mood.

I also  feel it is important to have people that are not afraid to tell you the truth even if it hurts or oppose a view that you may have. It is not good to have a bunch of “Yes” people in your camp. It may take a while to form your support group but when you do the sky is the limit.

It’s not always an easy road to reach your goals but if you stay focused, have patience and do not give up your odds of success improve significantly.

I hope this helps.

TBM

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Hello Ask The Black Man,

I need a man’s opinion on a situation. Recently my boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me over money. Well before I go any further let me give you a snippet about me. I am 25 years old, a recent college graduate, I work full time and I’m a single mother of four-year-old twins. I fell hard for this guy who is younger than me. I thought he was everything I ever wanted. Early on in the relationship I got pregnant but we decided not to go through with the pregnancy because of financial reasons and also the fact that we had only been together for a short period of time. I told him I think it would be best if we enjoy us, before we bring a baby into the picture. You know, get to know one another a little more. I went ahead and did the abortion although a part of me didn’t want to.

Our relationship started to take a turn after the abortion. He wasn’t there for me at all. He would hang with “the homies.” He would stand me up all the time; say he was on his way and would never call or show up. I would cook him dinner and wait up for him until the wee hours of the night. I was starving for quality time with him. Then he got his car towed and needed $350 to get it out. We were both doing bad financially. My air conditioner went out on my car plus my windows wouldn’t roll down. All this happened just when summer was beginning. So my babies and me were suffocating. I was in so much debt that I couldn’t pay my rent, no food in the house; so I went and took out a loan from my 401K. I told him I did, so I guess he looked at it as if I had the money to loan him. I had only taken out enough to get me out of my financial rut. Something was telling me not to let him borrow it because he never keeps his word.

Do you feel I was in the wrong? I’ve given men in my past large amounts of money and I’ve always been the one struggling. He basically told me I let my past determine my future. But all I kept thinking about is my kids. I don’t know… I’ve been beating myself up, crying and not eating. Should I have loaned a man I’ve been dating for 5 months $350 when he’s not a man of his word?
-Dotty

The Black Man:

Hi Dotty,

You did the right thing by not lending him the money. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are in no way deserving of you lending him money. If he has not been giving you the respect that you deserve and has not been there for you then why should you bend over backwards to help him out?
Be careful  who you get involved with and protect yourself, especially in the bedroom. If you would have had that kid your life could have been in extreme distress. Take you time when meeting someone.

That’s my 99 Cents Worth

TBM

Dear Black Man,

I’ve been trying a visualization technique that I recently learned that is supposed to help me get my wish granted. The technique requires that you first write out what you want in as much detail as possible. Then you are supposed to visualize getting the wish granted, what it feels like, etc. This part should last about 20 minutes.

I was able to write out the wish in great detail, but I cannot seem to visualize what I want for longer than a minute. Every time I try, I get distracted or I drift off. I tried sitting in perfect silence, sitting on the floor, waiting until I went to sleep to try and imagine it. I got nothing.

I’m wondering, is an inability to visualize what you want a sign that you don’t really want what you thought you did?

Carla

The Black Man:

Hi Carla,

The technique you are practicing is a great one to use. It is the power of intention. Just like most new things you try, you don’t pick it up and master it right away. It takes practice to do so. Stay committed to doing it and it will happen.

Just because you don’t visualize it now does not mean that you don’t want it. Have patience and keep working at it.  Practice, commitment, and faith are the best tools to achieve what you want.

That’s my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

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Dear Ask The Blackman,

I have recently got through a rough divorce with my ex-wife. I caught her cheating on me. I want to move on with my life and start dating people. My confidence is not where it used to be. Can you give me any advice on how to get it back?

-Lost In Space

The Black Man:

Hi Lost In Space,

What you are going through is probably a really rough phase emotionally. I suggest giving yourself some time to go through the motions of this and heal the wounds of the past relationship. Sometimes only the hands of time are the best remedy for this.

If you are looking to date I strongly recommend keeping it light and do not get into anything serious for a while. Have fun and enjoy the company of your dates.

To meet people to date I suggest going to events where you can mingle with people on a communal level like mixers, cocktail parties, etc.

If you have any hobbies join some groups that partake in those particular hobbies. You can also join some online dating sites (ahem…Blackplanet?) that make it easier to meet people.

Give it some time and be open and you should have your mojo back in due time.

Good Luck.

TBM

Dear Ask The Black Man,

How do you teach yourself to love someone when you do not know how to love anyone else other than my family?

-O

The Black Man:

Hi O,

I don’t feel there is a way to teach yourself how to love someone that is something you are born with. Love no matter what type it is (Plutonic, romantic, parental etc.)
is an emotion that you always posses. Depending upon circumstances that happen in your life it can be stifled but you still have it.
Have you been in a romantic relationship and something traumatic everoccured?
Most people who can’t identify to this emotion have been hurt in some way in the past that triggers their mind to submerge that feeling so that feel that level of hurt again.

A level of trust could have also been broken that made it tough for you to even trust someone to love them in that fashion.

I would suggest seeking counseling to get to the root of the matter.

Good luck and I hope you can work it out.

TBM

Dear Ask The Black Man,

I was at a wedding not too long ago for one of my buddies from college. It was a great time. One of his sisters asked for my information because she wanted to talk to me about something based on the career that I am in. I gave her my information and a few days later she called me. Instead of asking me about something job related she asked to hang out and go on a date and said she wants nothing serious. She is extremely attractive but I do not see anything-long term with her. I also do not feel right about it because it my friend’s sister. Something like this has never happened to me. What should I do?

-Confused Terrence

The Black Man:

Hi Confused Terrence,

Most situations that deal with dating a friend’s sibling without any serious intentions, do not end up with positive results. They mostly lead to drama and friendships can be severed because of it. If you are not looking for anything serious with her, even though she is not either, it is not worth it. I would date someone else. There are plenty of fishes out in the sea. Go with your gut. If it does not feel right then don’t do it.

That’s my 99 Cents Worth.

TBM

Dear Ask The Blackman,

I have been dating a woman for a year. We have amazing chemistry in all aspects of our relationship (conversations, sex, etc.) and so much in common.

We have been connected by the hip since we first met. We hang out and talk all of the time and have also traveled together. We have both expressed that it is scary how well we get along. Lately we have been having conversations about marriage, having kids, and spending the rest of our life together. Everything seemed to be great and then I did not hear from her as much and eventually did not hear from her for three weeks. I get a voice mail message at my job saying that she is okay and that I will hear from her soon. I have not heard from her since that message. She is the love of my life and I feel like I might have lost her. What should I do? Should I wait around or move on?

-Terry Howell

Hi Terry,

It sounds like she has developed a case of “cold feet.”  It seems like she has gotten scared over the thought of marriage and is taking the time to re-evaluating things.
In your conversations/interactions has she ever had any escapist type of behavior? At times people get into this mode because they really like the person but they have been really hurt in a past relationship. They get scared to invest all of their emotions in a situation in fear of getting their heart broken.

I suggest that you give her some more time and see if she re-engages with you. Perhaps give her a call to check in to let her know that she is in your thoughts. She may start to interact again when she is able to collect all of her feelings. However, set a timetable on how long you wait for her.  If she does not communicate with you at all it is not fair to you to be waiting around.

Don’t blame yourself for this circumstance because it is not about you nor is it your fault. A lot of people tend to blame themselves in these situations.

Good Luck and I hope this helps.

TBM

Dear Ask The Black Man,

Why do men say they want a strong woman but when they get one don’t want her? I find that absolutely baffling.

-Nique

The Black Man:

Hi Nique,

It goes back to the old saying, “Be careful for what you ask for because you just may get it”

Some people want things and either these three things happen:
1) They are happy with what they received.
2) They realized what they actually asked for is not what they want upon delivery.
3) They are not ready for what they asked for.

The same happens for when women ask for their ideal man. He can be standing right in front of them and they freak out because it is too good to be true and they reject him.

That is my 99 Cents Worth.

Dear Ask the Black Man,

I would like to know why is it that men feel the need to lie about simple things?

Example,

Him: I called you.

Her: No you didn’t I don’t have any missed calls.

Him: Well I left a message.

Her: Love you didn’t call me because I don’t have any missed calls or messages.

Him: All I know is that I called yo.

Her: Ok In today’s society, technology is far advanced. There were issues that used to arise, I didn’t get the page, my phone couldn’t get service in that area etc. Now EVERY phone has a missed call feature and voice mail. Why lie especially if there is no expectation of a phone call or text?

-Joanne

The Blackman:

Hi Joanne,

I feel that this case applies to some men but does not apply to every man. Some men may lie for the simple reason of thinking that it will help to keep them out of  trouble. It becomes a habit of lying about things that make no sense whatsoever. In the long run it actually gets them into more trouble.

On a sub-conscious level some men may have been through a rough childhood where they got into a lot of trouble and the times that they lied may have gotten them out of trouble. This carried on throughout their adulthood.

I agree that it is not necessary to lie about things of that nature but you can’t accuse the whole male gender of these actions because that is simply not true.

That’s my 99 Cents Worth.

TBM

“Women lie, Men lie” – Yo Gotti F/ Lil Wayne

Dear Black Man,

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 3 years.

We see each other during our off days. I love this man. I went to visit him two weeks ago and he seemed very distant even when he was touching me. His mind seemed to be in another place and when we were making love it was like he was just doing it because there was a woman sleeping next to him. He has totally changed but when I ask him if there is a problem he says there is no problem and that he still loves me.

Here is the real problem, I recently found out that I am pregnant with his child. I went there to tell him but I couldn’t because there is no communication anymore. I feel that he doesn’t love me anymore. What should I do? Should I tell him that I’m pregnant?
-Veronica

The Black Man:

Hi Veronica,

If this just happened on his recent visit to him and you did not feel this way then I would not jump to the conclusion that he does not love you anymore.

Do you both normally communicate well? Some men tend to internalize things when faced with an issue(s). He may have just had something on his mind that he is going through that may not pertain to you and he is going through his motions. That happens a lot especially when dealing with career and finances. Give it a little time and he may open up to you and things may change for the better.

As far as telling him you are pregnant, you should definitely let him know. Just choose a good time. If his spirit seems a bit more upbeat then let him know or even better, you should let him know the next time you see each other. Hopefully that is sooner than later. Important news such as this is best to be told in person.

Don’t fret and stay positive.

Good luck and I hope this advice helps.

TBM

Dear Blackman,

I was with a girl for 3 years and I just broke up with her because I found out that she had a one night stand with one of my best friends that I have known since childhood.
I had planned to propose to her and make her my wife. I am not talking to either one of them. I just lost the two most important people in my life besides my parents. This really is tough for me. They both have been reaching out to me saying that it was a “drunken” mistake and have been incessantly apologizing to me and begging for my forgiveness. I am conflicted because I am extremely angry and really miss both of them in my life.
I don’t know if I can forgive them. What should I do?

-Jason

The Black Man:

Hi Jason,

I know that this has to be really tough for you to lose two influential people in your life under these circumstances. Despite the anger you have from their betrayal it is clear that you still have love for both of them. In most cases it would seem fit to just not speak to either one of them again and heal yourself to move forward with your life.

However, my suggestion is to really take the time to heal on your own and get clarity on how you can see yourself moving forward. I would create space from them now until your emotions can settle and  you feel ready to have a conversation with either one of them.

If you feel you can’t honestly forgive them then I don’t see how you can accept them back in your life. If you can forgive them then you can explore the possibilities of how they can be in your life.

Make sure to do what feels right to you and take your time in figuring it out.

I hope this helps.

TBM

Dear Blackman,

I have been dating a woman for about 6 months. I really like her and see a possible future with her. We go out pretty frequently on dates, maybe 3 or 4 times a week.

I enjoy her company but there is one thing that bothers me: She has never offered to pay for one date nor has she ever said thank you for me taking her out. She has said at the end of a date that she had a really good time but that’s about it.

I was raised from an old school tradition and don’t have a problem paying for dates but you would think for as much as we went out you would think that she would have offered to pay for one date and more importantly say “thank you” after me taking her out. I don’t want to make this a big issue but do you think I should mention something to her about this?

Jake

The Black Man:

Hi Jake,

If this is someone you really like and you are thinking about having a future with, then you should definitely mention something to her. This is something that can resonate and build resentment towards her if you don’t mention it. The sooner you have the conversation about it the better it will be. The longer you wait the more upset you will grow about it and you may come off in a vengeful manner that will be offensive to her and probably make her angry.

Sit her down and acknowledge her for who she is and your feelings for her and then explain to her how you feel about this circumstance. This is a smoother approach and she will be more prone to listen to you rather than attacking back.

Lastly, in any relationship whether it’s platonic, dating or even marriage one can’t take kind gestures for granted. Always remember to acknowledge that person for the action (s) that was done whether it was cooking a meal, holding a door, giving advice, or anything. Saying “thank you” to someone goes a long way in life.

That’s my 99 Cents worth.

TBM

Check out these other posts from The Black Man and leave him a message at Blackplanet.com/AskTheBlackMan

Is It Ok For A Woman To Ask A Man Out On A First Date?

Is Being Overweight Affecting My Love Life?

Should I Date A Woman Who Admits She Slept Around?

Do you take sides when your  friends fight amongst each other?

Dear Black Man,

I have had the same group of friends since high school and while I am not as close with all of them, for the most part I consider each family. Some time ago two of those friends had a rift that basically snowballed into the end of a friendship. Naturally other friends took sides in the matter, but I refused since both are my friends and I felt that the matter was between them. Ever since one of my friends has given me more than grief for not siding with them. I have tried everything I know to resolve this but the anger and resentment just keeps coming at me. I hate to give up something that I’ve had for so long especially when I have considered them family and I do have love for them. But lately every time I’m around this person, drama erupts. I end up very hurt from this. So when it is time to drop a friend from the roster?

Zetta

The Black Man:

Hi Zetta,

This is a tough predicament to be in but as you previously stated this is something between the two friends and not you. It is unfair for your friends to put you in the middle of their dispute. It is a selfish act on both of their parts, especially the one who is upset that you decided not side with them. If you had nothing to do with their dispute then you should not be involved.

However, I don’t feel you should drop a friend off of your roster. You may just have to re-evaluate how you interact with those friends. If they have been true friends to you then there is no reason to totally drop either one as a friend. You may just have to change the setting of your friendship. Sometimes when you know someone for a long time you evolve to different places in your life in which can have you go on different paths. The person that you hung out with every day in high school may not be aligned with the person you are now. That transformation does not mean you cannot be friends, it just changes the dynamic of your friendship.
I think you just need to create some space between you and the friend that is causing you drama. Don’t be attached to what the friendship was like in the past and create space in which is suitable for you now.
I hope this helps you out.

Good Luck.

TBM

Here is a timeless question for the single girl/guy: Is it ok for a woman to ask a man out on the first date?

Dear TBM,

Is it okay for a woman to ask a man out on a first date?

-Kelly

The Black Man

Hi Kelly,

We are in 2010 and times have changed drastically so it is absolutely fine to ask a man out on a date. It actually would be a breath of fresh air for some men and an ego boost. Some men get intimidated in asking a woman out and unfortunately both parties could be missing out on a good thing. The fear of rejection can lead to someone being apprehensive to ask someone out.

If there is someone you are thinking about asking out , go for it. The worst thing that can happen is that they say no. There are endless possibilities if he says yes.

Good Luck.

TBM

Dear Black Man,

I am thirty-four, single, and have with no children. I’m pursuing a B.A. in IT Multimedia. I have my own home and I am financially independent. While I have most everything in my life under control, I have had issues with my weight since I was 19 years old. I am about 80 pounds overweight. I’m very active and competitive when it comes to sports. I am not afraid to push myself to get what I want. I do date but I find it difficult to find a man to commit to a long-term relationship. Do you think my weight affects the way men see me as a long-term relationship?

-Sherice

The Black Man:

Hi Sherice,

As the old Proverb goes “Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.” Like anyone in this world, there will be some people that are attracted to you and some that are not. It all stems from  the theory  Charles Darwin called “Natural Selection.” My question to you is, are you comfortable with the weight you are at? When someone is comfortable and confident in their own skin that radiates and attracts others to you. Your weight may be an issue to some people but maybe not to others.
In regards to your personal welfare, which is more important than figuring out why men are attracted to you, eighty pounds is a lot to be overweight. You should definitely talk to a doctor and/or a nutritionist to get on a diet and exercise regiment to get down to a healthy weight. Your health comes first so take care of that. You want to be healthy for when you meet “Mr. Right.”

That’s my 99 Cents Worth.

TBM

I started seeing this man. Everything was perfect. We talked on the phone for hours and he told all his family and friends about me almost off the bat. I did the same. On Valentines Day he proposed to me. This was a long distance relationship. I live in Texas and he lives in South Carolina. He would visit me on his days off, because he worked for Delta Airlines and was able to fly for free. After he proposed to me he went back home. The next week he disappeared and I wouldn’t hear from him for days. He then would call me and tell me he needed time to “think about things”. This disappearing act occurred 5 times. I have broke up with him three times. Right now we are still broken up and it’s been two weeks since I heard from him since he disappeared again. What is going on? I love this man very much and he seemed to love me as well. He was always talking to me about having a baby and talking about me moving to South Carolina in the summer time. Then in the fall we were talking about moving to California. I really don’t get what is going on. Should I just move on? Or should I try and get in contact with him?

-Helpless

The Black Man:

Hi Helpless,

It sounds like you guys jumped into this too soon. He may have feelings for you but it is clear that he is not ready to make that move. There is more to a relationship than just giving someone a ring. If he can’t be consistently around then you need to take some space from him. I would suggest not reaching out to him.
Leave it be. I am not sure how long you have been dating but it does not seem that long from the way you have explained the situation. Emotions may have gotten the best of him. I would not chase him to stay in contact with him. Reaching out to him will mostly likely only cause more drama and heartache for you. As they say “Actions Speak Louder Than Words”. His actions are not matching up to his words. If you guys can’t communicate there is a slim chance that you could have a fruitful relationship. Leave it alone and move forward.

Good Luck

TBM

In this next letter one guy is really feeling his old high school friend but she’s been humpin around like Bobby Brown. What should he do?

Dear TBM,

I reconnected with someone that I went to high school with. We never dated back then but now I am attracted to her and we started dating. It is getting pretty serious. There is one major obstacle that I have. She admitted that in high school and college she has had been with a lot of men. Some of them I know but I am not friends with any of them. It has been almost fifteen years since we have been in high school and I know she has changed for the better, but in my mind I still can’t over the fact of how she was back then. I think that she is marriage material now but I am stuck in this dilemma. What should I do?

Dazed And Confused.

The Black Man:

Hi Dazed And Confused,

One thing that many of us tend to do is live in the past and it stifles us from living in the “Now”. We have all done things in our past that we are probably not so proud of. We live and we learn and you can’t dwell on it because you can’t change anything that has happened in the past. In this case you are looking at actions that happened 15 years ago. We change and hopefully learn from our mistakes and it seems like from what you have stated that she has. If you love this woman and she has not slept with you best friend or someone close to you I feel you should really work on getting over it and see where this relationship can take you both.

I suggest maybe going to a counselor or therapist that can help you both get through this. Don’t throw something good away without really trying to make it work on your end.

That’s my 99 Cents worth.

Good Luck.

TBM

Dear Black Man,

My boyfriend and I have been together for one year, and I am definitely serious about him. But for the past six months I have been checking his text messages.

I have found a few shady messages that he has sent and received but not enough to really confront him about. I do have some questions though. I have tried calling some of the numbers that I found and did not recognize. Most of them  had automatic voicemail. I do not know what I am looking for but I can’t stop looking. I love my boyfriend and I think that I want to marry him. But why cannot I stop? Should I tell him what I have done?

Kylie

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The Black Man:

Hi Kylie,

At this point I think you need to check yourself rather than your boyfriend’s phone. It seems like you have some serious trust issues and/or insecurities in which you should get to the root of. Has someone in the past cheated on you or gave you a valid reason not to trust them? It seems like you have not let go of something that has happened to you in the past. I don’t feel that snooping in people’s personal belongings is appropriate, especially in this case where he has not given you any reason to even question his actions. If you don’t know what you are looking for then why are you looking?

What is probably going to wind up happening is that you are going to misinterpret a message that you find, get mad at him and the conclusion will be that he gets mad you because you were incorrect about what you are accusing him of. He will then come to the conclusion you were snooping.
If you are thinking about marry this guy then you are going to have to be able to trust him. Do you want to be married for 50 plus years and your daily routine is to go through his phone? How does that sound to you? It is not healthy at all.

If there are any issues that you have with him why don’t you ask him first rather than trying to go through other avenues? These actions are detrimental to having a productive, fruitful relationship with someone.

I am not certain what good will come out of telling him that you have been going through his phone except that it may clear up your guilty conscience. If you feel the need to do so, that is your choice and be mindful of how you bring it up. Don’t point the finger at him trying to blame him for the reason why you looked through his phone. Come from a place of taking full accountability on you actions.

I would immediately cease your actions of snooping and communicate with him directly if there are any particular concerns.

Good luck with your relationship.

TBM

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