Smallville, KY- Controversial rapper, Eminem, has set off waves throughout the superhero world with the release his new album, Recovery.

On the song entitled “Cold Wind Blows”, Eminem takes a shot at the resident King of Atlantis by suggesting “I’ll be nicer to woman/When Aquaman drowns…”. The line is of one of many referenced directly at superheroes ranging from Spider Man, Ghost Rider to Bruce Banner on the Recovery album.

“He needs to keep my name out of his mouth” says Aquaman from his home in Atlantis. “It’s easy saying what he said up there” says Aqua from his throne 10,000 feet beneath the Atlantic Ocean. “But try that s**t down here.”

News of the dis came as Aquaman is in the midst of dealing with the oil spill crises in the Gulf of Mexico.  The half man/half amphibian member of the Justice League goes further suggesting he would not refrain from using his powers on Eminem if they were to run into each other. “I’d likely smack the s**t out him with my hand, if I had one.” says Aqua in reference to his missing left hand which some say is made of water and possess mystical abilities.

The barbs are the latest in series of headaches for the 40-something year old member of the Justice League. The recent BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico as well a pending divorce have found Aquaman going through a rough patch that has many questioning his ability to perform his duties as reigning king of the 7 seas.

“I avoid dealing with you humans as much as possible in hopes that you let me and my people live in peace, but this is disrespectful.”

Aquaman (Real name: Arthur Curry), who’s powers include telepathy, a healing factor, enhanced senses, super strength and extreme durability says he has other things to worry about other than Eminem.

“I’ve got living room filled with petroleum oil and couple of sick dolphins in the infirmary. My wife wants half my kingdom and those geniuses at BP have no idea what the ***k they’re doing. I don’t need this right now.”

A reputed comic book collector, Eminem was once rumored to be under consideration for Teen Titans initiative, but failed to pass the necessary requirements needed for government approval, which included a sobriety test. Those in the know feel his attacks on known superheroes is a bitter reaction to his past attempts at becoming a superhero, which includes a brief forays as Robin and Superman.

“My son listens to this rap stuff says AquaMan. “I don’t need him to get any ideas off some druggy rapper with a checkered past.”

Also referenced on the song is Johnny Storm of the Fantastic Four, who seems less apprehensive regarding his mention on Recovery.

“I mean, it’s Eminem dude. What do you expect? It’s nothing to lose your chill over. I mean, the fact he mentioned me is awesome. I think Aq’ is overreacting if you ask me.”

“No one asked him, or cares what he has to say.” says Aqua in response to Storm’s comments. “Torch needs to worry about his s****y movies and keeping his family together before he can comment on my well being.”

“Hot headed as Ghost Rider, cold hearted as Spider-Man throwin’ a spider in the snow.” – “On Fire” ; Eminem

Hood Newz attempts to reach the aforementioned heroes were met with no comment by their respective camps.

Recovery is in stores June 22 and is available on ITunes now.

Here’s to hoping Aqua doesn’t end up here:

“I believe the children are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way” - Whitney Houston

Here’s a little bit of creative nerd genius from the good folks at College Humor.com.  Not sure if any of you know but I graduated from the Jedi Academy (Class of 72, hoo-rah!!!).

Better hate than never! Welcome to The Hood Newz Weekly Rap-Up, a look back at news that people may or may have not cared about in past few days.  This weeks episode finds Steelers Quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, in some hot water with the ladies and Lil Wayne encounters a certain law enforcement rapper during his stay in New York’ s Riker’s Island.

As an added bonus, Dick Shittman has landed an endorsement deal with beverage company, Rasta Monsta, and introduces the first of his Way To Go Genius commercial series for the brand.

Middle aisle, nothing less!!

And if you like that, then check out:

WE ARE THE WORLD (HIP-HOP REMIX) that was jacked by Saturday Night Live!

Hood Newz has been hood winked! Last Weekend, Saturday Night Live aired a parody of  “We Are The World” that was was eerily similar to our exclusive “We Are The World (Hip-Hop Remix)”.

The SNL sketch began with “a word from Quiny Jones”, who then made references to random rappers such as Bizzy Bone and Nippsey Hustle, two of the more prominent mentions on the Hood Newz Hip Hop remix skit.

“While the original “We Are The World” brought together stars like Micheal Jackson, Bruce Springteen and Tina Turner… says SNL’s’ Quincy Jones.  “This new version was a sloppy mess of half-famous brandos like Bizzy Bone and Nippsy Hustle.”

Bizzy Bone, of Bone Thugs and Harmony fame, was featured chanting on Hood Newz “We Are The World” mix [1:81-1:88]

“I was shocked, flabbergasted, hurt, played, honored, buggin’ and wildin’” says Dick Shittman, the genious behind the hip hop mix.  ” I was channel surfing towards that new show with Kim Kardasaian and her brother, Kloe, and then all of a sudden I see SNL’s opening monologue and I was shocked, flabbergasted, hurt, played, buggin’, honored and of course…wildin’.”

The Hood Newz  “We are the world hip-hop remix” made its debut on Monday, Feburary 22nd to much aclaim.The skit featured DJ Khaled, T-Pain, Drake, Kid Cudi, Rick Ross, Young Jeezy, Akon, Eminem, DMX & Christopher Walken.

The skit was featured on prominent websites like us, Nahright.com, MissInfo.tv and Thisis50.com and is currently at 60,000 hits online, but who’s counting?

“I’m shocked, flabbergasted, hurt, played, buggin’, honored and of course, wildin right now.” says Shittman. “Its like having sex with that washed up chick at the bar and she doesn’t say thank you.”

When Hood Newz attempted to contact producers at Saturday Night Live, we were met with the sound of crickets. No word yet on when on whether any featured artist on the HipHop mix will respond.

As for the original hip-hop skit, ” It is approaching 100k hits by weeks end, predicts Shittman.  Making it our most popular skits since the Bill Cosby DJ Drama skit.

Did SNL bite? What do you think?

Los Angeles - Two weeks ago, someone came up with the bright idea of remaking  “We Are The World”…with rappers. While results were less than swaggalitious, we at Hood Newz (boo-yao!!) managed to swap a copy of an exclusive never before heard HIP-HOP REMIX of “We Are The World” and we must say,  this is how it SHOULD have sounded!!

This mix features Bollywood sensation, DJ Khaled, renowned vocalist, T-Pain, upstart producer, Dr. Dre, Police Man’s ball host, Rick Ross, baggy-jean enthusiast, Kid Cudi, Swedish singer, Akon, children book author, Young Jeezy, satanic worshippers, Bone-Thugs-Harmony, cardigan kingpin, Drake, rehab sponsor, DMX, yogi-maven, Eminem and Christopher “King Of NY” Walken.

Let us know what you think in the comments….  And if you like that, check out:

Bill Cosby VS. DJ Drama here

And while we’re here, how come SHE wasn’t on the song…damn!

Now, follow me, dammit

HBO Films is scheduled to releasing a film chronicling the rise of  Kid Kudi, Ashor Roth and Drake on their infamous XXL cover.

Entitled How To Make in America, the story centers around Canadian Aubrey “Drake” Graham and how he was passed up for XXL Magazine’s infamous Class of 09 cover in favor of Miami bust Ace Hood.  At the time, Drake was the hottest new export out of Canada since Full House’s Dave Coulier and was conspicuously missing from the cover.

Released in late 2008, the issue attempted to plant the flag for next crop of rap stars. But since the release of the cover, only 3 of the ten rappers have dropped full length albums (Wale, Kudi and Roth), one has changed his name (B.O.B is now Bobby Ray, we think..), another had his career knocked out by a female, two have enjoyed a career in relative obscurity (Mikey Factz and Blu), another remains one of the highest rappers on the planet, the other got dropped an album on Def Jam, we think, and the last one (Cory Gunz) is currently working  with Mariah Carrey’s husband, Nick Carey. Drake on the other hand is about to drop one of the biggest releases of 2010 with Thank Me Later,  which will feature appearances by Jay-Z, Kanye West and Young Jeezy.

“Drake? He’s’ aight, but ma shit is more John Blaze than that.”

HBO”s movie will delves into the tense moments leading up to the cover as seen through the eyes of Kid Kudi, Ashor Roth and Drake. The roll of Kudi will be played unknown actor, Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Kudi, while Ashor Roth will be played by Bryan Greenberg and Drake by Victor Rasuk of Raising Victor Vargas, respectively.

(Mescudi, Greenberg and Rask as Kudi, Drake and Roth)

HBO is scheduled to release the movie by Spring, 2010.  Stay tuned as we bring you up to speed on the latest developments.

UPDATE: Our mistake!!  HBO’s How to Make It in America is not about the Drake / XXL thingie…it’s actually about two enterprising twenty-something year olds who hustle their way through New York City’s fashion scene.

The show airs on Sunday Feb 14th on HBO.  Check your local listings

UPDATE, UPDATE: But our idea sounded much cooler, no?

What your back RZA!  In an attempt to lure younger followers, the Buddist Monks in Japan are (HUAH!!!) grabbing mics and (BAM!!) spreading the good word via (HYAAAAAH!!!) rhymes.

When we asked Wu-Tang’s Rza as to whether he saw this a direct challenge to his 36 Chamber philosophy, he promptly replied “Bong!”

No word yet as to whether any of the monks will appear on the upcoming Ghostface, Method Man and Raekwon the Chef album due in 2010

In an effort to jump into the growing martyr market, Nike has signed would-be terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab to a multi-year contract (dependent on his time on earth)

“We think this kid has the potential to really blow up.” says Andy Whitchen. “For him to accomplish what he has at such a young age speaks in volumes about his potential.”

The deal comes off the heels of Abdulmutallab’s attempt to detonate plastic explosives hidden in his underwear in a Christmas Day terrorist attack on NorthWest Airlines Flight 253 en route from Amsterdam to Detroit, Michigan.  A deal with Fruit of the Loom was pending until Nike intervened with a more lucrative offer and snatched the 20-something year old for all apparel rights.

Farouk is incarcerated at the Federal Correctional Institution, Milan  Michigan, while awaiting further legal proceedings. If he is convicted on the charges, he will face a life sentence plus 90 years in jail. With trail set for 2010, Nike is building a campaign to capitalize off the awareness coming from the trial.

Nike’s Farouk Is On Fire! campaign is set to be aired at this years Super Bowl, where security is sure to be heightened.

“Farouk! … Farouk! …Farouk is on fire!” has to be one of the smartest phrases since Bo Knows.” says Whitchen.  “From game day rallies to the lighting of the flame at this years Olympics we think the phrase resonates with excitement on all front of sports culture.”

While brands like Ecko and G-Unit are the apparel commonly seen  on today’s crop of criminals, Nike saw the exposure that came from felons walking out of police station houses in cuffs as a new and effective form of branding.

“I think his failed attempt at taking out the airliner should not be a reflection of his true potential.”

Farouk was charged on December 26, 2009, in the United States District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan, with two criminal counts: attempting to blow up and placing a destructive device on a U.S. civil aircraft. Additional charges were added in a grand jury indictment on January 6, 2010, including attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction and attempted murder of 289 people.

“Some people will look at the North West incident as a failure. We on the other hand see it as a plus when you think about the exposure he’s been able to get from this.”

Newly appointed  Taliban leader, Baitullah Mehsud, agrees saying we haven’t seen anything yet.

“Brother Farouk is in the infant stages of a bigger plan. We will support him in his mission until it is accomplished.”

No word yet on how this will effect Nike’s new deal with Forst Hood shooter, Major Malik Nadal Hasan.

Don’t know about you guys, but if I EVER decide to file my taxes…

I’m going to go where the guy with a tattoo of a star on his face goes to get his done.

PS: The colors in this ad are blue.  Doesn’t this violate the blood color usage code?  (See Page 5 in Blood Handbook)

Get Suge on the phone, NOW!!!!

Happy New Year to you all. My name is Dick Shittman and I’m sure you could care less.  Normally I would be eager to recap the last 12 months or even the last 3,650 days, but we just got back from the future and boy are things going get interesting for rap. How did I do that you ask? Well, with my Delorian, silly.  So, rather than recap the last 10 years allow me to shine my crystal balls and give you a glimpse of what next 10 years and beyond has in store for us rap folks.

In 2020 Jay Electronica will release the highly anticipated single Exhibit Z, followed by his debut album, Z what I mean

In 2019 DJ Whoo Kid will lose his voice after a night of campaigning for Wyclef and his run for the Haitian presidency; leaving his mixtapes with only gunshots for adlibs.

In 2019, The Alchemist son, The Wallychemist will find his father’s old ASR beat machine and reintroduce the concept of sampling to much success.

In 2015, 50 Cent will buy the rights to the music of Nas, Rick Ross, The Beatles and Pretty Lou of Lost Boys fame…the latter will be the most lucrative investment since Vitamin Water.

In 2014, Foxy Brown will be the 50th woman to confess to having had an affair with Tiger Woods…she will be the 1st and only African American to do so.

In 2018, the son of a very shitty rapper today will be the greatestMC of his generation.

In 2017, Hip-Hop’ first successful gay rapper will be a street rapper who after a shoot out leaves 9 dead and 2 sodimized…he is acquitted on self defense.

In 2013 Freeway, Rick Ross and Tek will start a super group call ZZ Trap.

In 2016 a female rapper, daughter of a famous producer, will be labeled  hip-hop’s next Lauren Hill…but a sex change will make her the 1st Larry Hill.

In 2014 Ja-Rule will attempt to reconcile with 50 Cent at an LA Restaurant, while Ashton Kutcher and his camera crew hide in a trailer recording everything.

In 2014 the Fugees will reunite for a 1 night only concert and everyone except Praz will show up.

In 2011, fearing their slim jean style is to over exposed, Surfer body suits will be the new fashion trend with hipsters in 2011…

Fearing that body suits are played out and too popular, Hipsters will now paint jeans on…one leg at a time.

In 2017 After winning his 6th championship in a row, Lebron James will try his hand at professional sock hockey to much success.

In 2018 Kobe Bryant will be acquitted of his 3rd rape case.

In 2019 Soulja Boy will be appointed president of Interscope records,much to the dismay of Jimmy Iovine

In 2045 @Buckwild, the last surviving member, will start a collective of young producer/MC’s called D.I.T.Drives.

In 2050 a very frail & spanish speaking Tupac Shakur will be found in a small town 10miles north of Havana after the United States lifts its embargo.

In 2020, Common will win an Emmy for playing Sticky Fingaz in Bacdufuccup:  The Onyx Story

In 2021 Will.I.AM will produce the first platinum release by a mime.

What is a ‘Jayter’, you ask?  It’s someone of some importance who for some reason or another can not fathom the thought of Jay-Z succeeding without acknowledging them.

You don’t make it to the top of the rap mountain and not expect an avalanche of naysayers to scream and yell for your demise on the top. But the common bond with most of the Jayters on this list is that they not only had some sort of relationship with Jay at one point or another, but all impatiently await for some sort of full blown reaction from the abnormally calm Jay, which doesn’t seem to happen too often…or does it?  Here now are the top Jayters along with Jigga Man’s reaction (or non reaction) on wax.

10. That dude that rolled with Jay is his early days.

We don’t remember his name either, but we do recall him being the one challenger allegedly had dirt on Jay from his early days as a pharmaceutical entrepreneur and and threatened to expose him. What he didn’t have was merit to his claim that…uh…well…we don’t know exactly what he was complaining about, but it may have something to do with Jay not giving him a bit of chee$e to go with his wine.

Reaction:  “No Hook” off American Gangster

9. Fat Joe

While it was never “officially” taken to wax, it was no secret that these two kings of their respective boroughs with drug dealer pasts never really liked one other. Since Jay’s ascension to the top in the late 90’s, Joe has thrown many a shot, most notable on “King Of NY” off the J.O.S.E album. The early tension came to a head in 1999 when both Roc-A-Fella and Terror Squad crews clashed at New York City’s Club Exit over what witnesses say was the last hot wing on the plate. The incident left one rapper with a bottle over his head, another one with a career in life-support and a tip-less waiter.

Reaction: “He Asked For It” (Unreleased)

8. 50 Cent:

Who doesn’t 50 (conveniently) throw shots at? Yet, this one seems to border on genuine resentment between two multi-millionaire MC’s from New York and 50 just being bored and up for a new challenge. What started off as one line on the classic “How to Rob,” has accumulated to 10 years of passive aggressive tension that in 2009 finds 50 playing Don King to Beanie Segal’s Mike Tyson in hopes of getting Jay to, for once, react.

Reaction: “It’s Hot”

7. Dame Dash

Everyone knows this one. All Jay wanted was the masters to his first born, Reasonable Doubt. Dame says no. Jay takes a corporate raid-type ownership of Roc-A-Fella and Dame again says no, but in a villain-falling-down-a-bottom-less-pit sort of way. What was looked at by many as a shrewd business move was seen by Dame and his loyalists as sneaky move by Jay to separate himself from the guys who helped him build the Roc. The end result: One of the best executives of his generation is left without a purpose and the other went on to marry Beyonce…and become close friends with the President of the United States…and part owner a of major basketball franchise…and a clothing brand that rakes in millions of dollars a year…and successful sports bar franchise in 3 major cities…and…you get it, right?

Reaction: “Lost One” off Kingdom Come

6. Cam’Ron/Dip Set

When Dame brought Cam on board the Roc-A-Fella ship in 2001 , the house that Jay and Dame built was sailing to dominance as the premier label in rap. When Dame made Cam’ co-captain many on the ship, including Jay, felt a bit sea sick and that’s when shit went over board. Since the break-up of Dame and Jay, the Dip Set cronies have been the vocal pieces for Dames frustration as Cam, Jim and a somewhat reluctant Juelz play hot potato with jabs at Jay.

Reaction:  “Dig a Hole” off  Kingdom Come

5. Tupac Shakur

It seemed that by 1996, a relatively unknown Jay-Z was the heir apparent the late Notorious B.I.G’s throne. With Mr. Wallace being Tupac’s nemesis this prompted Shakur to act on the age old principal: “oh, you with him? Fuck you too!”  The alpha and omega of Pac’s tirade was heard on the Machiavelli album and would be used 10 years later as an intro for Nas’ “Ether.”  Fortunately for Jay, Pac would succumb to gunshot wounds before Jay had a chance to run retaliate.

Reaction:  “’03 Bonnie & Clyde”

4.Prodigy

Seems Prodigy was growing a little tired of Jay’s rise to the top as New York’s numero uno ambassador, so he began pelting the throne with various freestyles and unreleased ditties from the Mobb’s vast catalogue of aggressive tunes.

Reaction: “The Take Over”  off The Blueprint

3.Jaz -O

Something happened between student and mentor that still goes unexplained till this day. What we do know is that Jaz revisits his saltiness at least once a year via interviews on the internet; turning his opinions on Jay into a viral pity party that has yet to benefit Jaz-O’s plight as a producer, rapper or relevant hip-hop figure in 2010.

Reaction: “Do It for Hip Hop” off Ludacris’ Theatre of the Mind and “What We Talkin’ Bout” off BluePrint 3

2.The Game

“Single white female” is the way Jay has described The Game’s sycophantic approach to attacking him. The Game seemed to admire Jay so much that he began to kind of hate him. This emotional imbalance then lead to Game’s not-so-subliminal shots spanning from  first album to “My Bitch”, an unreleased gem left on the Doctor’s Advocate cutting room floor. The most recent reach for attention being the less-than-stellar-waste-of-time, “I’m So Wavy” .

Reaction: Hot 97 “Can I Live ” Freestyle (2007)

1.Beanie Segal

How did Jay’s right hand capo, destroyer of Hova haters and one of the most feared MC’s on the planet become the numero uno Jayter? A mixture of business and cough syrup.  It seems the NyQuil, along with Beans tendency to shoot it out with other human beings at any given moment, made him a liability to the business minded Hov, who at one point had the chance to let Beans be someone’s else’s case, but who’s ego could not allow 50 Cent to be that someone.  Unlike previous Jayters, the Beanie debacle possess somewhat of challenge for Mr. Carter. Beans will not stop until Jay-Z responds and Jay’s lack of response is kind of making Beans upset, which then spawns more Beans attacks at an alarming rate.

Reaction: While Jay has yet to respond, we think the songs like “Thank You” and “Already Home” may have struck a nerve on Beans and led to his campaign.

Note: Nas does not make this list because the resentment was mutual on both ends and was handled appropriately. Boo-yow!

Double Note: Sauce Money, despite being left behind early, never managed to get tangled up in Roc fuckery. Kudos!

Our fellow special ed class almuni at itsthereal give us their take the Jay-Beans debacle…and knock out it out the box.

Jay and the Beans Talk from jeff on Vimeo.

“Me and the boy A.I. got more in common than just ballin and rhymin…” – Jay-Z, “Super Ugly”

There will be ballin’. There will be rivalries. There will be some swinging of the fists and there will be some showboating. This is not a rap concert…this is the National Basketball Association.

The relationship between rap and basketball has always been one that causes double-takes because of how similar the cast of characters is on each side.  The NBA has a Jay-Z, a Weezy, and a Yeezy. But you know them under their professional basketball names: Jordan, James and Kobe. In recognition of the 09-10 season, Hood Newz has compiled a list of basketball greats and found their bizzaro rap counterpart.  Correct me if we’re wrong , but…we’re not. Check it.

Kenyon Martin = The Game

Whether you like him or not, his erratic behavior is entertaining.

Richard Hamilton = Ludacris

People overlook this funny looking player, until he hits the shots that remind you he’s not be fucked with.

Starks & Oakley = Rae and Ghost

Representatives of a gritty NY at it finest.

Michael Jordan = Jay-Z

When he came back wearing the 4-5, he didn’t to play games with you.

Mickael Pietrus = Hurricane Chris

People think he can’t play, but he’s a lot better than people think.

Ray Allen = Nas

This fan fave is one of  “the” five best shooters in history…and still hitting it when it counts.

Stockton/Malone = Epmd

One legend needed the other to keep that consistency going for so long.

Stephon Marbury = DMX

One of these dominating figures of the late 90′s has gone completely bonkers at the expense of his career.  Guess which one?

Robert Horry = Fat Joe

A veteran who, whether you like him or not, delivers a hit when it counts.

Chicago Bulls 90’s = Roc-A-Fella

…witness a dynasty like no other.

Tony Parker = Lupe Fiasco

A very good player who came in under a championship team and has kept it consistent ever since.

Allen Iverson = Cam’Ron

If he could just adjust his style to go with his potential, he would be hands down one of the greatest.

Carmelo Anthony = T.I.

He’s one of the best players in the game today, but the other two best guys prohibit him from being hands down THE best.

Larry Bird = Eminem

Dominant white guy in a field dominated by bros..

Ron Artest = Beanie Segal

Great team asset with a short temper and questionable outside activities.

Lebron James = Lil Wayne

Overexposed, exceptional at what he does and the fans love it.

Chris Paul = Drake

Potential to be one of the future greats.

N.W.A = Detroit Bad Boys 1989

A talented bunch of  *****z with attitude.

Charles Barkley = Ice Cube

A legend who never asked to be liked.

Tim Duncan = Fabolous

Extremely effective, but over looked due to lack of spunk.

Sam Booey = Canibus

A bust of the highest magnitude.

Chauncey Billups = Young Jeezy

Consistent all around threat who’s overlooked, yet is one of the 3 best in his position.

The Dream Team = Death Row Records

Hard to believe that at one point in time, some of the greatest ever were on one team during the prime of their career.

Rasheed Wallace = Mobb Deep

Rugged, consistent contributor to the game entering the twilight of a great career.

Stephen Jackson = Young buck

Nuff said!!

50 Cent = Shaq O’Neil

Dominant player who changed the game and refuses to call it quits despite being criticized as  past his prime.

Big L= Len Bias

Great potential gone before it could blossom into franchise player. By 1995 both Jay-Z (MJ) and Big L (Bias) made an appearance in New York’s 89.9 and performed a classic freestyle that left audiences believing that not only that these two would go on towards greatness, but that Big L would be eventually flourish into a franchise player able to take his team (DITC) to the promise land.

Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley = Red & Meth

Well respected contributors to their respective units who’d prefer to play with each other than with other players.

Kobe Bryant = Kanye West

Like Kobe, Kanye came off the bench of a dynasty and worked his way up.

Like Kobe, Kanye delivered 3 back to back rings in the form of 3 platinum plus classic albums.

Like Kobe, his 4th ring was a breeze in a climate where he was left unchallenged.

Like Kobe, Kanye’s confidence in his abilities combined with his work ethic make him the one to beat in his field.

Like Kobe, he has managed to leave his peers in the dust with A-level performance in all categories.

Like Kobe, we hate to see him win, but he earns it.

Like Kobe, Jordan purists refuse to acknowledge that he may be the best in this era.

Extra tidbit: Since his arrival in 2004, Kanye West has scored 28 hits on billboards rythmatic airplay charts. Wests’ total matches Lil Wayne [Lebron] for the most hits in that span and ties 50 Cent [Shaq] and Jay-Z [Jordan] for third most appearances this decade.

Dr.Jay = Rakim

Considered the greatest, before others were.

Dikembe Mutombo = Busta Rhyme

Entertaining to watch, but waaay past his prime on the court.

Hakeem Olajuwon = KRS-ONE

People tend to forget how really good he was.

Kareem = LL

One of the greatest of all time…with decent movie parts

Phil Jackson = Dr.Dre

Decent player, excellent coach helping keep LA relevant.

Bernard King = Big Daddy Kane

King was knocking down 55 points before MJ made it nothing.

Tracy McGrady = Juelz

The most talented underachiever in the game.

Shawn Kemp = Lloyd Banks/

Signs of greatness, swept away overnight.

Jason Williams = Alchemist

Caucasian contributor with soul, not be fucked with.

Super funky fresh shout out to C.Barnes, Paul Bunyan, No ID, Jah,  Don Carlos, LoM3 and  Burnitdown for farticipation on this list.

Reggae kingpin Sean Paul did it. Hip-hop mainstays Fabolous and Plies are doing it. Even reclusive tween-lover, R.Kelly is getting in on it. Add closet racist, Asher Roth, Canadian godfather, Kardinall Official and domestic abuse maven, Chris Brown to the list and we have a full fledged trend…or epidemic.

Hilsonitus: The overuse of a lovely singer-songwriters from Atlanta on your single or video.

The Beginning:

It started innocently enough in 2006 when Hilson quietly appeared on a Lloyd Banks “Help”, a lovey- dovey record that forced the G-Unit hit man actually to wear a suit in the video. A few months later, Hilson stole the show on Timbaland’s “The Way I Are”, the smash single of his multi-platinum album, Shock Value.

It was then that she was anointed “the next big thing” after word got out she would be the first artist on Timberlands and Polo Da Dons label, Zone 4/ Mosley Music venture on Interscope Records. Prior to making the jump to artist, Hilson was part of The Clutch, a crew of people who hung in studios full time, but would write songs for other people such as Ciara, Usher and some girl named Britney Spears as a hobby. Soon after the success of the Timbaland record, Hilson began her Featuring Keri Hilson Tour, a six song tour that had Hilson stopping by studios for collaborations with Nas on “Hero”, Chris Brown on “Superhuman” and Fabolous. The tour capped off in Jamaica with Sean Paul before going international in Canada with Kardinal Official.

By 2009, Hilson made the full fledge jump from pen pusher to actual artist with the release of In A Perfect World. Her first single, “Turnin’ Me On” featuring Lil Wayne and caused controversy when it was discovered that Wayne did not have his red cup in the video. Her next single” Knock Me Down” featuring Emo rapper, Kanye West and fellow songwriter-turned artist, Ne-Yo and found miss Hilson singing her lungs off atop the billboard R&B chart. And that when the infection.

Inspired by Lil’ Wayne and his innumerable appearances, Hilson continued her Featuring Kerri Hilson Tour and appeared on records by Virginia based-The Clipse, New York-based-Tru Life, and Chicago-based R Kelly, Florida-based Plies. Hilson even made a career threatening stop to the heart of Klan-heavy Mississippi for a song with Asher Roth.

Hilson’s tour wasn’t limited to just songs as she appeared in videos with Usher and Ne-Yo even though she was not featured on the song.

“I didn’t even need her on the record, but she’s just so fine, we needed something to look at while doing the video says an artist who worked with Hilson on his single, but asked not to be indentified for fear of repercussions. She mixed with the video chicks well.”

It is true that Keri Hilson is a sight for many a sore eye. In an industry filled with valupsious video vixens, Hilson offers a contrast to the big bootied, plastic yammies and baby oiled grease ladies that inhabit most if not all of today’s music videos. Hilson’s girl-next-door-meets-homie-lover-friend appeal as well as perfectly full Botox-free lips…along with her big, sleepy, puppy-like eyes…and her slim, curvaceous exterior, complete with just the right amount of backside to make any seat gracious for being built…and her short, specifically well done hair…and her butterscotch complexion…(excuse me one second…*takes cold shower*)…is enough to make any normal man take heed and make heterosexual woman question their purpose.

Side Effects:

Hilson’s many appearances have now leaded to demand on more Hilson, but at what expense? Hood Newz recently conducted a survey where we asked the average person on the streets has he, she or it heard “the song with Keri Hilson.”

10% responded with “the one with R.Kelly?

15% responded with “the one with Fabolous”,

20% responded with “the one with Ne-Yo”

7% responded with “the one with Burt and Ernie”

48 % responded with “the one with Jon and Kate?”

10% responded with “who?”

One R&B starlet , who asked not be named even went as far as to record a diss track entitled “D.O.K.H.A”, an ode to Jay-Z’ anti-auto tune anthem, “D.O.A”.

“I’m tired of seeing this chick everywhere. On every song and every award show and every party…and baby shower and everywhere that humans be at-n-shit. So I had to speak up for everyone.” While the song is liable to garner this starlet some much, much, much needed attention, her label feels that a song labeled “Death of Keri Hilson Appearances” is just not marketable enough in today’s single driven climate.

The Cure:

According to critics, it is not the appearances, but rather whom she’s appearing with.

“Within the last year she’s made music with a pedophile, a racist and a wife-beater claims Howard Jablome, music critic for Sour Note Magazine. “We’re waiting for her to do a record with Michael Vick so that she can complete the first ever male scumbag cycle.”

The cure some say is to limit the amounts and be selective as to who is worthy of her presence. Until then just looking at Hilson will be enough to have us here hoping we get the chance to hit opportunity to featured anywhere near a Keri Hilson hit.

]]> http://theurbandaily.com/special-features/hood-newz/dick-shittman/featuring-keri-hilson-the-new-auto-tune/feed/ 1 http://theurbandaily.com/special-features/hood-newz/dick-shittman/beautiful-garbage/ http://theurbandaily.com/special-features/hood-newz/dick-shittman/beautiful-garbage/#comments Mon, 21 Sep 2009 21:56:44 +0000 Dick Shittman http://theurbandaily.com/?p=382967 Read more..]]>

If you’re just tuning in, welcome to the world of low-budget rap videos.  This little- experiment-gone-wrong is by local Bronx, NY  artist, Shea Davis, and  is one of the many visual bastard children that were born when HD cameras “hit da hood” a few years ago.

It is supposed to be a visual love letter of sorts, in the veign of past “love raps”  such as Slick Rick’s “Teenage Love”, Method Man’s “You’re All I Need” or 50 Cent’s “21 Questions”…or Notorious B.I.G’s “Me and My Bitch“…or Ja Rules masterpiece “Always On Time”…or Kool G Rap’s “Break A B**** Neck”

Instead, it is the visual equivalent to writing some one a love letter and mistakenly throwing it in the garbage…and after being fortunate enough to recover it after two days amidst a pile of debris that included expired skim milk, used diapers and mom’s special Tilapia left overs, you still send it off.

Enjoy-

New York – Rap superstar Jay-Z shocked the world last night by bringing out his 12-year old son, Lil Mama, to join him on stage during his closing performance at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards.

During the end of his performance of “Empire State of Mind”, Jay-Z’s son jumped on stage and mimicked his Dad and uncle, Alicia Keys, as they posed in a cocky, pouting-type of posture known as “the b-boy stance.” The stance- created by three young men from Queens known as Run DMC – is used in a condescending manner by break dancers and New York rap artists during the 80’s. Many say the stance was Jay’s way of saying “This is my a son!and what?!”

The move has confirmed years of speculation that Jay-Z (real name Shawn Carter) has an illegitimate child he has been keeping under wraps and quietly raising for the past decade. Clad in high-end Baby Gap jeans, Children’s World halter top and a copious amount of lip gloss, Lil Mama was seen by many in the crowd popping out of Pop singer Lady Gaga’s Bird Nest outfit.

“Lil mama is the bird that flew outta Lady Gaga’s nest on her face!!” tweeted Brooklyn rapper and Jay-Z buddy, Fabolous. The sudden display of family bonding prompted Fabolous (real name Loso) to further tweet: “Lil mama is like the dude that parachutes down on the field during a game!”

Known as a judge on MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew, Lil Mama has made attempts at a respectable career in rap music, but has fallen short due what some say are his awkward female features; prompting many to believe that Lil Mama may actually be a female. While no confirmation has been made, a nation of millions did see the similarities in the father and son tandem, from the light shade of brown skin down to the facial features which many felt were eerily similar to those of his father.

No word on yet on whether Mama and his father will be collaborating on music for his upcoming Blueprint 4 project.

Making rival rappers cry for their mommas is one thing, but it takes a special kind of tough guy to stack up against some of the world’s most popular villains. Who do you think has what it takes to take down Hollywood’s fiends?

Back in the summer of 2008, legendary comic, Bill Cosby, thought it was good idea to release a rap album.

Following the advice of our own Willie Good, Cosby thought it was an even better idea to release a mixtape before the album in an attempt to build up buzz for the album. Executive produced by Dick Shittman himself, the mixtape finds Bill Cosby as you’ve never heard before. Here’s the results:

New York- Jamaica Queens

   Our good freind Rapper 50 Cent (pka Curtis Jackson aka Ferrari aka Fiddy aka Fif aka El rapero con las balas en el quelpo) just released a new album…for free. 

Area 51, Phoenix , AZ – President Barack Obama was way ahead of his time when he initiated the now famous “fist bump” at a Democratic rally announcing his nomination in June of 2008. Insiders say the decision to bump was based on the countless hands President Obama shook that night prior to setting foot on stage and having run out of hand sanitizer hours before.

With the Swine Flu taking the country’s fears by storm, the President has urged Americans to initiate the fist bump as the safest measure against this outbreak for the time being.

Still recognized as a premier greeting through out the hoods and ‘inner cities within the United States, the bump became popular when President Obama greeted his wife, Michelle, at a rally in 2008.

California residents, known for incorporating the fist bump ‘into’ the pound are concerned that the sudden change in greeting will have an effect on their children, who at a young age are liable to be confused about their greeting identity.

Members of California’s Bloods, Crips as well as Mexican Gangs have reservations against the aforementioned technique and are lobbying against the direct fist bump.

Sport fans are being directly affected by the sudden change during one of the key sports seasons of the year.

Until the President deems it safe to greet or celebrate by clasping hands and the Swine Flu is firmly contaminated, Americans may have to resort to this simple, yet most effective way of avoiding the disease since the use of the word “Hello”.

-Dick Shittman

]]> http://theurbandaily.com/special-features/hood-newz/dick-shittman/president-obama-you-can-get-the-fist/feed/ 1 http://theurbandaily.com/special-features/hood-newz/dick-shittman/rick-ross-records-with-gay-rap-artist/ http://theurbandaily.com/special-features/hood-newz/dick-shittman/rick-ross-records-with-gay-rap-artist/#comments Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:02:06 +0000 Dick Shittman http://theurbandaily.com/?p=169831 A few weeks ago, Corrections officer-turned-rapper, Rick Ross, pledged to record a song with an openly gay artist... Staying true to his word, Ross has allegedly recorded a... Read more..]]>

A few weeks ago, Corrections officer-turned-rapper, Rick Ross, pledged to record a song with an openly gay artist…

Staying true to his word, Ross has allegedly recorded a song entitled “Ya’ll Know” featuring up and cumming gay rapper Young Rainbow.

Here’s a glimpse:

Miami, FL – According to Hood Newz sources, headtally-challenged songstress, Rhianna, and Ike Turner Award-winning crooner, Chris Brown, are back together as a couple…

Sources say the couple were seen playing a friendly game of slap-boxing at the home of media shy mogul Sean “P.Diddy” Combs in Miami’s Star Island.

The news has been met with mixed reaction from both fans and critics alike. Pictures recently surfaced of a battered and bruised Rhianna didn’t help Brown’s image and have tainted the once squeaky clean singer into an abusive boyfriend with slight road rage issues. 14 year-old Sharice Withers, who runs a Rhianna fan-site contends that this will have no effect on how Riri’s fans see her.

“My friend Cassel got smacked across the face by her boyfriend last week and as soon as the bruises healed she was playing Rhianna “Murderer” and felt much better afterwards. So I don’t see how this sends any negative message to girls. It’s love.”

“What this picture says to me is that the kid has a mean right hook.” says Joseph “The Goose” Wallington, a boxing coach from Moe’s Gym in North Philadelphia, PA.

“He’s still young, so he’s got a promising career as a south paw. We’d love to take him on here.”

Chris Brown’s camp is eager to put this small ordeal behind them and has guaranteed the public that Brown next album, tentatively titled, Hits, will sure to be a knock out.

- Dick Shittman

a) 28 years old or older

b) into old school hippe-to-the-hippety hip hop

c) Into the genius sketches of the hoodnewz staff.

Enjoy…and watch your step as you near the exit.

Greetings,

I’m Dick Shittman, lead anchor for HoodNewz.com…

Greetings,

I’m Dick Shittman, lead anchor for HoodNewz.com. Some of you might have heard of me on those mix-tape thingies that 50 Cent and his cheap DJ, Whoo Kid like to release once every season or so. Or, you might’ve recently heard our skits with felon DJ Drama. Or, maybe you heard us on New York’s Hot Pop 97. Or, maybe on weekends on Eminem’s Shade 45 on Siriu. Or, possibly on your block, convincing your retarded nephew to stop quoting Wayne. Or…you might not have heard of us at all.

I would like to welcome you to HoodNewz.com, the next level of hip-hop news-ish stuff. During my many years in news broadcasting, I’ve prided myself in giving people the truth, the whole truth and everything BUT the truth from an honest perspective. We at Hood Newz are the guys with the guts to say “hey, you’ve got something on your nose”, after countless others took note, yet never had the gonads to tell you, even though it dangles off your face like a party favor. That’s what we’re here for: to help blow the nose off the clogged nostrils of hip-hop democracy. To insure that when your favorite rapper runs out the bathroom with toilet paper sticking out their $1,000 dollar denims, someone is there to say “hey…smile.” And when your favorite artist gets stuck for his jewelry, we’re there to say “how much for the bracelet?”

Over the next few years we will receive threats, hate mail, accolades and a few lead pipe shots to the jaw bone, all for the sake of honest journalism. And you know what?! We say “lets go!’ We know what’s up. We are out there; delivering the news the way we think you want to perceive it. The way they don’t want you to see it. You’re probably asking yourself: why this HoodNewz?

To quote our good friend, Robert Van Winkle:

“Their version is ding-ding-ding-ding-ding ding-ding…My version is diing-diing-diing-diing-diing-diing-diing. I just don’t see the difference.”

We here at Hood Newz are that “diing”. Other entities have claimed the hood news moniker, only to put out product worthy of stool samples. Other outlets have run the name to the ground with visuals that make security cameras at 711 seem like a Spielberg film.

News Flash: WE ARE NOT THEM!!!

We are the Hood Newz…with a “Z”. We are what they wish they thought they could try to be, but really, really, really, really better. Same sound, different flavor. Some might label our brand of news as faux, or fake,o r fugazi journalism. We say “maybe”. This staff of highly accomplished somethings have been through the fire, through the limit, through the wall, just to be with you and they’d gladly risk it all. From prisons (Sup Ross!!) to neighborhoods (“Crenshaw stand up!”) to ritzy events (“Is that Alfonso from Fresh Prince?”), our staff has dedicated themselves to bring news how it should be brung: uncircumcised.

Thank you for taking the time to feast your eyes on what we hope is your favorite source for microwavable music fodder.

Until next time, you are dismissed.

Dick Shittman

Lead Anchor, Hood Newz

PS: We know…

Here’s a classic little ditty from the Hood Newz vault to tickle your fancy.

This aired for the good folks at Shade 45 back in 2000something.  When whispering was the sh*%t.

Shout out to anyone who whispers.

Two-Thousand and h8te was a year filled with monumental yawn moments.

It was a year when the internet officially pillaged rap music and changed the paradigm of how successful any minimally gifted rapper can be. A year when Young Berg gave us reasons to resent “the business”, Lil’ Wayne exemplified the benefits of mixing cough syrup with florescent jeans and T.I. became a substitute teacher for the Atlanta public school system. A year that found market-ready phenoms such as Flo-rida, Nelly and LL Cool releasing albums to fling and Young Jeezy actually made sense. A year when Nas’ Underachieving Heavyweight title went unchallenged, the vocoder became the new Jerri Curl and the term “swagger” was treated like Iceberg sweaters in the late 90’s. It was a year when weed crushing on CD’s hit an all time low as we people downloaded albums off the internet and anyone who actually rapped failed to crack the gold mark. And we were there every step of the way…enjoying it…like farting and urinating, simultaneously. So much nothing happened this year and we here at Hood Newz are proud to recap these wonder less 12 months with our coveted 35rd annual Hood Newz Awards. This Feburay, Hood Newz will be handing out accolades to some of  urban  music not so brightest stars. Join us for the 3rd Annual Hood Newz Awards (aka the Hoodies).

*Check your local site for showtimes.