Can A Man Wait Until Marriage To Have Sex?
A.C. Green was able to wait...
Hello Blackman,
I am a 21-year-old African American Christian woman who is saving herself for marriage. Quite frankly, I feel like I am one of the last of a dying breed of excellent women. It seems to be hard to find a good black man who appreciates me for who I am. What man wants to deal with a girl who won’t satisfy his sexual needs until after marriage?
CD
The Blackman:
Hi CD,
I think the way society is designed these days it is tough to find that match. It is not impossible though. Just like anything else, once you find something great you should cherish it.
Society has transformed a lot throughout the years where pre-marital sex is not looked at as taboo anymore. In some ways it has helped certain situations and in other cases it has not. For example it has stopped some people from getting married and realizing that lust was the premise of their relationship. On the flip side it has made someone overlook a person that they would otherwise be compatible with but since pre-marital sex was not in the equation, they looked past the person.
The age of when people get married has changed as well. Nowadays it is common for people to get married in their 30’s, unlike in the past where most people were married with children in their 20’s.
Sex has become a big emphasis in our society, rather than religion where premarital sex is forbidden. This factor makes it tougher for people to abstain until marriage. A majority of the things that you see in the multimedia platform of our society have a sexual innuendo to it.
It is also difficult in your case because the men in your age range are going through their sexual prime, so they may not be looking to settle at that point of their lives.
Look at yourself as a diamond in the ruff and be open to receiving a gem for a lifetime partner. There are men out there that will respect the fact you want to save yourself for marriage and will see your value beyond sex.
Since you are a Christian woman, a good place to look for man who will value that is at Church. That’s not saying that you can’t find men elsewhere that will honor that but they can relate to where you are coming from. Be patient and you will find someone that will appreciate you.
Good Luck,
TBM
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onyx11_768-13-2009 10:30 pm
« Previous 1 2I’m a Christian 17 year old girl, I’m not a virgin but I gave up sex and now practice abstinence. Sometimes I feel like it is difficult to find a man who is willing to wait until marriage. I’ve met guys who are “christians” and who claim they love God but they are not willing to wait until marriage. They said that they can’t wait that long and that they will only be with me if i have sex because they dont wanna cheat on me.
I know I deserve better than that but even my girlfriends say I won’t find a man who won’t have sex until marriage so i might as well have sex.
I do not want to disobey the Lord, the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that He has someone for me who is willing to wait and I just pray to God i meet him soon. It is good to read that there are still some men who r waiting until marriage, thats good, it gave me some hope that not all good men have died out lol
WHATS FUNNY IS THAT, I TOO A 22 YEAR OLD AFRICAN AMERICAN FEMALE WHO IS SAVING HERSELF FOR MARRIAGE. I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT THE AGE OF 19, AND HAVE BEEN WITH THE SAME PERSON EVER SINCE WE BROOKE UP AT THE AGE 21. I AM FOCUSED ON MY CAREER AND A TEACHER AND A BUSINESS OWNER. AFRICAN AMERICAN MEN AREN’T INTO THE WAITING AND GETTING TO KNOW THING, BUT WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN…MY DAD ALWAYS TOLD ME, IF I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE A CHILD BY SOMONE I SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH TO MARRY. I HAVE NOT YET FOUND SOMEONE WHO WILL WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS BEHAVIOR WITH ME. AND YOU WHAT, I’M NOT LOOKING. I’M TIRED OF BEING OUT CAST FROM A LOT OF THINGS THAT HAS TO DEAL WITH SEX. I STILL WOULD ENJOY GOING OUT TO PARTIES, DANCING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME. HOWEVER, MY FRIENDS FEEL THAT BECAUSE I HAVE CHOSEN TO BE ASEXUAL BEFORE MARRIAGE, THAT EVERYONE SEXUAL OR HAVING TO DEAL BEING “SEXY” (DRESSING SEXY, LOOKING SEXY LOL) IS OUT OF THE PICTURE. I MYSELF DESERVES THE BEST OF EVERYTHING, I AM SOMEONE TO BRING HOME TO MOTHER/FATHER, AND TRUE LADY INDEED. I ENCOURAGE WOMEN ALL OVER TO BEGIN TO LOVE AND HONOR THEMSELVES, GET TO KNOW HOW THEY ARE FIRST BEFORE ENGAGING INTO ANYTHING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
Everything the “BLACKMAN” just said. my comment consist of the Blackman’s statements verbatim.
Some of these comments..hmm. Being a virgin is a wonderful thing if that is what you choose for you. I am a 25 year old, non virgin who is the mother of a 5 year old daughter. I have my degree in Philosophy with a concentration in pre-law. I don’t get any assistance from the government and I have dated men since I had her. I have dated men and not had any sexual activity and they pursued my mind and not my body and I have had a serious relationship where I chose to be intimate and they stuck around. I do not know how I feel about marriage but I have come across plenty of good men..even though I didn’t wait and obviously I have 5 year old living proof. Just because you have sex before marriage does not always mean you have bad character or are irresponsible; Sometimes people just make decisions based on their heart; I made a decision and I became a mother (a good one might I add). I do not judge virgins and I do not judge non virgins..I don’t judge anyone. Do whats right for you but don’t tear others down because they don’t live like you.
What makes a virgin think her man will be worth it after marriage? If she’s doing it for her sake, then fine. But she can stop making herself feel as if she’s the chosen lamb.
What if a guy insisted not to part with of any money to spend time with you unless you’re married to him? Lemme guess, then he would be selfish.
I’m sorry, but I need a s**t in the bedroom..!!! I don’t have time to teach a grown woman how to get freaky….!!!
Yes, there are men that can and are waiting until marriage to have sex, I know 3 of them. There’s someone out there looking for a girl just like her. All I can say is if that’s what you want to do, stand firm on your beliefs. You will find someone.
It is also written in the bible that some ppl are not meant to marry at all. Those are the ppl that God has a special mission for. He wants them to do something in Jesus’ name that is so extreme and so rewarding that having a mate may cause inteference in His Devine Plan. So I guess it is what it is for most and what it ain’t for some. All I know is, just like everybody on this earth want to be deeply in love and involved, in this society and day in time, there’s no such thing in love and marriage, but lust and sinly desires. I’ve accepted that I won’t get married in this lifetime. There’s nobody I’m really interested on this earth no more. To me, all of them (men) are on the enemy’s side and I’d rather be alone and serve God on my lonesome.
I think A “REAL” man can Mos Def wait until marriage to have sex……..we are a sexual nation and if a man can by pass ALL the sex on TV, ALL the sex in movies, ALL the sex on songs, then that is a STRONG man, and most likely a GOD faring man!!!!!!!!!! and that’s the Kinda man ANY women in her right mind would LOVE to marry………..just like Malcolm X when he went about 8 or 9 years without any sex and WASN’T EVEN thinkin of sex, he was just thinkin about SERVIN his GOD……….and that’s VERY attractive to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also a Man of no substance would not wait that long, for intimacy, Men know that there is quality in waiting they just will never let this secret out of the Bag!
Men are willing to wait. My advice is to date many many Men. Send multiple messages to Men you find interesting. Not necessarily the ones who are screaming I am a Christian. Dating is a numbers game now a days, that is why celibacy is so important. For those that are not going to go cold turkey a 6 month wait may be a Good Start! Sex really should never enter the conversation till you are ready, so mentioning celibacy is that that important. It is easy to get way to deep when dating one man at a time. Internet dating is very good for screening from my experience.
If you have ever read the story of Jacob and Rachel in the Bible you’ll see that he loved her so much that he worked for her father for 7 years in order to marry her. His love for her was so strong that those 7 years seemed like only a few days (Genesis 29:20). I believe that men do what they want to do. If a man is sold out to Jesus Christ and loves God (and you) with all of his heart he’ll because he realizes that he donesn’t belong to himselfu anymore but to God and his body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. That realizes that he is accountable to God in all things, including his sex life. He also realizes that by obeying God that he is already loving his future wife by protecting her from disease and the fruit of infidelity.
CD, truth be told having sex with a man doesn’t make him hang around. Once you give the most precious thing away, there is NO getting it back. There are MEN who are waiting until marriage. I know 5 (3 virgins and 2 that stopped and waited on God to send them their wives).
Also, I read someone post about “knowing plenty of virgins that did everything but(t).” They ARE NOT virgins…let me just point that out. A virgin is one who is sexually pure NO anal, oral nor copulation of ANY KIND. (Sorry but I needed to be sure that I clarify this.
Our society has too many believing that LUST is Love and if a man won’t wait on you, HE does NOT deserve you. POINT BLANK
Now concerning your comment about finding a good man, you are NOT supposed to find him. The bible says “Whoso findeth a WIFE, findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the Lord.” Prov. 18:22
Please do not worry about what other people in the building (we are the church, where we assemble is just brick, nails, dry wall and wood). They are NOT the standard, Jesus is. God said He would not withhold no good thing from us. Keep in mind that His way is NOT just RIGHT, it is better.
To wrap up, as for as not knowing how to please a man. Sex is a two way street, his goal is to please you too. He will have to find out what you will like and what turns you on. NO ONE was BORN innate abilities to know how to please the other person, even if a person is having sex; they STILL have to learn and find out what the next person likes and doesn’t like.
You are a virgin because you made a decision to live for God and honor His Word which warns against fornication and sexual immorality. Now I just want to encourage to TRUST God with your sex life too. Contrary to popular beliefs, God is pro sex….He is the one who created it, he has the manual.
If you need more encouragement to hold on, read Single, Saved and Having Sex by Ty Adams. We only have surface discussions about sex, no one engages in real conversations about it. Even those who are so dead set on telling you that you are silly for holding on.
See no one talks about how they felt when they got pregnant and dude left because he got 2 other girls pregnant, dude is NOT going to tell you that he has Herpes Simplex 1 and 2 as a teen because 1 in 2 black teens in the US has Herpes. Or the pain dude felt when the girl decided to abort his unborn child. Not to mention, he probably isn’t aware that he has it; however this fact doesn’t prevent it from being spread to the next person, women that only went to get their yearly pap but got news that there were abnormal cells because of Human Papilloma Virus (HPV which can cause Penile, anal, vulvar and cervical cancer). Let’s not even talk about the number of HIV positive the ones who know and don’t know, still having sex and spreading it without a care because they just GOT to have it.
Trust GOD and know that HE is concerned about you. Marriage is not a contract, it is a convenant. Honor God with your body and watch what He does. Listen to HIS voice. God bless you!
Peace to you all who strong enough to wait. I lost my virginity at 16 and I been rollin ever since lol. It’s alot of pressure on a man tryna abstain from sex. Male culture in this society is basically sports and sex, and if you aren’t with both of those, guys look at you alil sideways unfortunately. But good luck to all of you, I hope yall find some keepers and jump them brooms lol.
CD, sexual purity is the way to go! Respect your body and remember that your body is a temple of God. Keep your eyes focused on Him and you won’t go astray. Don’t be gullible like society and allow yourself to follow in its’ path of destruction.
I am a man who will wait to be married first before having sex with a female but finding a female to be willing to also is very hard to find. I am a religious individual who believes in morals and family. I am a what you call, a black sheep because I do not follow the crowd but I follow one man and that man is Jesus Christ and the Bible is my guide for how I live my life.
onyx11_76
If A Woman Wants 2 Find A “Good Man”(A Man Of God). Her Best Bet Is 2 Repent 4 Having Sex Or Be A Virgin..U Cant Have A Good Marriage, A Good Relationship, Friendship, if U Dont Have God In Ur Life. & People Who R Having Sex Usually Dont Really Care That The Bible Says Not 2 Have Sex B4 Marriage(So, That’s What I Meant). I Wasn’t Trying 2 B Funny Or Mean. Its Just The Truth. If U Ignore The Word, Then God Will Ignore U..& I Am Young But Im Old Enough 2 Know That Men Respect Women That Wait…(Regardless of The Situation)
First off I am so happy that someone finally said something about this….I too am practicing celebacy. It is extremely hard in the dating scene now days when you are not sexually active. Just when I think that I have found a nice guy, he says thats he “can’t go without sex” or that “he doens’t want to cheat on me and break my heart” It get so hard sometimes that I wonder if I will ever find a man willing to wait…
There are some good men out there who will wait and appreciate that you want him to be the first to do that eternal dance with. Be upfront with them and if they can’t wait til they marry u than show them the door.
In this day and age it is a rareity for some women, our society has drunken the vial of hedonism every thing goes as for peer pressure if a
friend is a real friend they wont encourage u to deflower yourself with
just anyone a real friend will understand and have your back peace and
many blessing on finding the right man
@DC_Gentleman12
I agree homie! I myself am a virgin waiting until I am married. And I am not getting married ANY time soon. As people of God we have to work on marriage BEFORE we get married. The main thing we do is get rid of selfishness. A lot of people don’t understand that we believe and obey God and preserve ourselves for Him. And He will send us the one He made for us. He will prepare us. IMO There’s no point in waiting until you’re married if not for obeying Christ.
For any naysayers there is no masturbation, pornography or bouncing off the walls on the brink of insanity.
Despite what the majority of people on here say.. saving yourself for marriage is not a loss cause. I know we live in a hedonistic society and the majority of men and women dont have the desire nor discipline to remain celibate til marriage. But you aren’t worried bout society, you simply want one person. The individual designed by God to love you in a way that no one else can. God doesnt give imperfect gifts. You don’t need to test drive it, taste test it..to see if its great. Sex is beautiful, spiritual and can connect a man and woman in ways words can’t describe. Why would you wanna waste that awesome experience on any joker with a nice smile. I’m celibate, and patient. Nope, its not popular… but because I love God, and I love myself.. without a ring, you dont get a thing.
ONYX11_76- this woman never said that its harde for sexually active women to find men shes asking who is going to want HER since shes waiting until marriage to have sex. Which is a huge issue for women who are still virgins. I myself am still holding onto my virtue and its very hard dating men of some kind of value when sex is not apart of the equation. It seems now sex is glorified and men men have been desensitized to the value of abstaining from premarital sex. But in no way was she coming at people who are sexually active.
Yes men and women can wait to have sex until marriage if it is what they really want to do. It will take a lot of discipline, self control, and faith that God will send them their husband/wife. I’m not saying you have to remain a virgin but men and women need to be more selective with who they have sex with. Aids is a epidemic in the black community and so is out of wedlock pregnancies. I agree with tellemall about the comparing women with a car thats really ignorant.
I am a 21 year old virgin and VERY proud of myself…and no THAT doesn’t make me better than someone who gave it up, but it does mean that I know that I am worth more that the back of someone’s car, or their twin bed in their momma’s house. Being a virgin helps weed out the losers that wouldn’t work for me anyway. If that’s all that you wanted from me then you can kick rocks because I have soo much more than a v****a going for myself…
peace and love
LeShannon
Sweeterthanhoney – what makes you think that a virgin will find a good man before a woman who has had sex before. Do you realize that has nothing to do with finding a good man. What about people like me that don’t want to get married. Or the virgins that got married and ended in divorce. What about all of the women who were married and divorced and married again. Will they not find a good man because they have already had sex before. You must be really young if not then you sure act like it. If you want to be a virgin then do so but don’t try to say it’s harder for sexually active women to find a good man vs. a virgin. That’s is bulls**t.