Dear TBM,
I’m gay and black. It’s hard for me as a black man to appreciate myself from years past and had wished that I were someone else. I grew up in a small town and most of my friends were Caucasian. I’ve often seen myself as one of them. I know it sounds very sad but it’s my reality. I would stretch myself to learn more about my culture and race while attending college. But often found that I was ridiculed because I just did not fit into the stereotype of what an African-American should be. For example, I never used improper in English such Ebonics. So when I would speak, it was with proper verbs and nouns etc. I would receive many reactions from my own people asking me “why do you talk so proper or why you talk like you are white?” My reaction would be one of hurt and withdrawal. Because of that, when it comes to dating or loving someone that I want to be with, it became a challenge for me. I’ve always dated men out side of my own race and often found myself not really happy. I’m not sure what type of kind of advice you have and also not sure what your beliefs are regarding homosexuality but I would hope that you could look past it if you are not in agreement and give some solid advice.
Thank you
MMB
The Blackman:
Hi MMB,
This issue actually has nothing to do with your sexual orientation; it has to do with race. You have actually gone through what quite a few people of color go through when being raised in a predominantly white area or being educated in school that consists of mostly white people and very few blacks for a greater portion of your childhood.
In many cases when they get to college they have been around the most black people that they have ever encountered in their life. Then you are trying to figure out what it is to be black. Some people go to the extreme and become extremely militant and others may try to transform to become “ghetto” or “hood.” There is also a group of people that are trying to figure an alternative route then the previous two where they can fit in. That sounds like the category where you fit in.
Usually during your college years and through their twenties people are still defining who they are. It seems to me that since you don’t speak Ebonics and have been criticized for it, it has hurt your self-esteem and you question your “blackness.” You are not comfortable in your own skin.
I’d like for you to answer this question. “What does it take for some one to be black?” The last time I looked it was determined by the color of your skin. It has nothing to do with how you speak, dress, or the neighborhood you live in. There are plenty of black people that do not speak in Ebonics. A lot of blacks are actually raised in households where the parents don’t allow their kids to speak like that or even use the “N” word.
You have be comfortable with who you are as an individual in which it seems like you are not in that place yet. Because you are not happy within, you are putting yourself in situations that are not creating happiness for you. If you want to be with black men then you have to be in an environment that will allow you to interact with other black gay men. Basically, you are holding yourself back.
If you focus on moving past these obstacles you will find yourself in a better place in life. You cannot change where you lived or how you were raised. If you learn to truly accept the person that you are, you will be a happier individual.
Good Luck.
TBM
