Let’s keep it real, Denzel Washington likes to run trains. He was just in the remake of the Taking of Pelham 123 just last year and now is in another movie about trains called Unstoppable. Thomas the Tank Engine better watch his little blue caboose.

In this Unstoppable (not to be confused with Wesley Snipes 2004 tax write-off with the same title) Denzel is another Danny Glover old guy type mad at the young buck trying to take his job. (“They took urr jobs!!” ) It’s like Training Day without the slick ride, Mexican gangs and bad acting from Dr. Dre. The dude who was Captain Kirk in Star Trek is fresh out of railroad school but he can’t stop talking on the phone long enough to really do his job right.

On the other hand Denzel doesn’t use the phone enough so his daughter–who works at Hooters with her sister–is mad at HIM for forgetting her birthday. Ain’t THAT a b*tch? Somewhere Laurence Fishburne is watching this thinking “Damn, I thought I was a bad father.”

Anyway, things go completely bat turds when an underpaid conductor (who must move his lips to read stop signs)  jumps out of a coasting freight train to flip a switch on the tracks but hasn’t connected the air breaks. Then things get all Final Destination when the train shifts into full power all by itself, launching a half-mile long phallus loaded with diesel fuel and toxic chemicals to rape the Pennsylvania suburbs at 80 miles an hour.

Did I mention that the number on this long, red demon train is 777? I guess 666 was too obvious, but don’t the writers know that triple 7s in esotericism symbolize the ascension of the soul through the physical body? Translation: Before you can go to heaven,  “somebody got ta die” (c) Biggie Smalls

Sexy ass Rosario Dawson (Who is way too covered up in this movie for me) is the only voice of reason telling them to derail the train before it hits a major city. But the company that owns it says it’ll cost $100 million dollars in damage to stop it. So instead they send in a dude swinging from a helicopter to try and slow it down. Does he die? Well here’s a hint: If they say a character in a movie is a 22-year-old veteran of the Iraq war and he’s their first attempt at stopping a speeding train, do you think he lives? Just ask the Black copter pilot in Independence Day.

The hidden truth in this movie is that it’s a metaphor for the sad state of the American capitalist system. Almost everybody who works at this rail company is an overworked slacker (I know that doesn’t make sense but you know some overworked slackers at your job, trust me). The runaway train is our economy: overloaded, heavy, out of control with no one at the wheel. Denzel is President Obama and Captain Kirk is Joe Biden defying the corporations…

Wait, they bailed out the corporations….

So Denzel is Russell Simmons and Kirk is Rick Rubin and they’re trying to get Def Jam to sell more records…no…

Denzel is Michael Jackson and Kirk is Paul McCartney…no…50 Cent and Eminem. aww screw it…

The moral of the story is that Denzel must be getting fat cuz his clothes get baggier in every movie, but he’s still man enough to save America from itself.

Half-Baked Buzz rating: 2 1/2 Brownies

Shawn Hemp is a film school revolutionary who spends his free time rewinding tapes in the basement of the last Blockbuster on earth. When it comes to movies he’s a little bit paranoid but that doesn’t mean they’re not out to get him. So he sends coded messages to the resistance in his “Half-Baked” film reviews.


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