Area 51, Phoenix , AZPresident Barack Obama was way ahead of his time when he initiated the now famous “fist bump” at a Democratic rally announcing his nomination in June of 2008. Insiders say the decision to bump was based on the countless hands President Obama shook that night prior to setting foot on stage and having run out of hand sanitizer hours before.

With the Swine Flu taking the country’s fears by storm, the President has urged Americans to initiate the fist bump as the safest measure against this outbreak for the time being.

“Mu’fuckas is getting the fists,” says Jermaine Withers, a security guard at Dadeland county mall by day and bartender by night. “I’m around too many people and don’t always have hand sanitizer on me. Pounds is just making things too complicated nowadays.”
Branded by Republicans as the “terrorist bump”, the fist bump greeting was always overlooked for the more popular “pound” in which two people clasp hands, grip fingers and give way to the sounds of finger snapping of each other as the hands separate.

Still recognized as a premier greeting through out the hoods and ‘inner cities within the United States, the bump became popular when President Obama greeted his wife, Michelle, at a rally in 2008.

California residents, known for incorporating the fist bump ‘into’ the pound are concerned that the sudden change in greeting will have an effect on their children, who at a young age are liable to be confused about their greeting identity.

Members of California’s Bloods, Crips as well as Mexican Gangs have reservations against the aforementioned technique and are lobbying against the direct fist bump.

“Ay, man. I aint tryna have none these fools contaminate me ya’m sayin’,” says Crip affiliate Young Tre. I’m finnin’ to let off on the first **** sneezin near me.”

Sport fans are being directly affected by the sudden change during one of the key sports seasons of the year.

“Dude, say Nomar knocks it out the park on a grand slam, or Ray Allen nails a 3 pointer with 2 seconds left, I’m supposed to ‘fist bump’? asks Carl Franco of Boston. “No freakin’ way, bro. We white guys already have a hard time landing the high-five, now this? We’re likely to knock each other teeth out if we miss.”

Until the President deems it safe to greet or celebrate by clasping hands and the Swine Flu is firmly contaminated, Americans may have to resort to this simple, yet most effective way of avoiding the disease since the use of the word “Hello”.

-Dick Shittman

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