Snow White has rather dirty fingernails. That is one of several random observations you’ll make while trying to stay alert for this pedestrian adaption of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.

In Snow White And The Hunstman the Evil Stepmother (Charlize Theron) promises The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) to resurrect his dead wife if he follows Snow White (Kristen Stewart) into the haunted woods to kill her. When he realizes the Queen doesn’t intend to keep her word he turns into Snow’s protector and they unite to overthrow her.

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The trailer for this movie is terribly deceptive, in much the same way Red Riding Hood and Sucker Punch made you feel that you were going to watch The Matrix of fairy tales. The docile, damsel in distress stereotype is flipped, transforming her into a blood-spilling bad-ass, but not so much. While some scenes are visually arresting, it doesn’t compensate for how disjointed and incongruous the storyline is. Sorry folks, but Trinity is one of a kind.

While we were nodding off in the theater we dreamed up a few modern touches that could have made for a more inspired adaptation for 2012.

5) Make it 8 dwarfs instead of 7 so that way they could market Snow White as the new Octomom. Plus evil stepmothers are reality TV gold.

4) The magic mirror should open a portal to Narnia when you say the magic words “Romper Stomper Bomper Boo.” Then both of the white witches can duke it out for ivory supremacy. The clash of extended metaphors about puberty would be epic as well.

3) Give the Huntsman a hammer instead of an axe and trick people into thinking they’re watching The Avengers.

2) Instead of a poison apple the evil queen should have forced Snow White to use an iPhone 4S on a Metro PCS plan. Trying to do FaceTime on that network would put anyone into a coma.

1) Make Snow White a lesbian: There is an awkward attempt at a love triangle between Prince William (Sam Claflin), The Huntsman and Snow White. But since neither man is a vampire or werewolf most people won’t care. So they should’ve done away with the predictable angle and made Snow White into girls. It’ll make her search for love in the inevitable sequel something we’d actually look forward to.

Snow White And The Huntsman is in theaters this Friday June 1st.

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