By now, I’m sure we’ve all heard the story of the Trayon Christian. He’s the nineteen-year-old college kid who got bagged by the cops after buying a Ferragamo belt from Barneys last April for a whopping $350 dollars.
The crime here, in my opinion, is two fold.
First, that for whatever reason, be it race or age, this kid was cuffed and arrested after legally buying a belt in a pretty high-end store where the service of the staff should match the quality of the items they sell. And anyone should be allowed to spend their hard-earned money on whatever they like without the worry of being harassed or arrested. That’s foul any way you slice it.
The other crime though, would have to be that this college student saved up from his part time job to spend $350 on a belt. That’s right people, a belt. One belt…. made of leather and metal. And no, the metal wasn’t gold or silver or platinum… the leather on the belt was made from plain old cow, not the one that jumped over the moon. $350 American dollars, earned over lord knows how long from a part time job, and spent it on a singular belt. I’m not gonna get into this kid’s priorities, you spend your money on what you want…
But we at TUD decided that for $350 this belt needs to do a bit more than hold up pants and got our man Pootie Tang—the man with the baddest belt in the world– to help illustrate.
1)Teleport You Into The Bedroom Of Any And All Video Vixens.
Nyla Lee would need therapy by the time the week is out. That’s just me though.
2)Allow You To Walk On Water. For $350, the leather needs to be made of Jesus sandal leather and come with a lifetime license to beat dumb asses on sight.
3)Block Bullets. When cats find out how much you paid for it, that may just be be very necessary… Dance Pootie, DANCE!!
4)Put You In Kanye’s Next Video. Think of the ice-breaker… “Hey Kanye, I just copped a new belt…” “Yeah, I walk my dog with that one. Wanna be an extra?” You won’t even have to speak or sing.
5) Show you unaired episodes of The Wire, Breaking Bad and Entourage. – How many cable bills would $350 cover? That’s all I’m saying… (yes, both of those cats from “The Wire” were in “Pootie Tang”).
46. Bianca Lawson (from everything in the 90s, 2000s, and 2010s)
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Continue reading 5 Things A $350 Belt Should Do [HUMOR]
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