Holiday Greetings! This is your old friend, Thanksgiving. Long time no hear from. I hope your year went better than mine. I won’t bother asking you how you are doing, though. It’s obvious that you’re in good shape. Judgin’ by all the hype I see on the TV, maybe even better than ever. Seriously, it looks like they start celebratin’ Christmas earlier and earlier every year, which kinda brings me to the reason I’m writing this to begin with.
See, we used to be brothers in arms. Remember all the picture of turkeys minglin’ with reindeer from holidays past? I do. Hell, I remember back when all the big businesses with giant Christmas trees would respectfully wait until I was finished shining before they plugged up their yuletide lights to let you shine. Those were the good ol’ days. I can still see it as clear as a silent night…as soon as the Halloween decorations went down, cardboard pilgrim cut-outs and turkey drumstick silhouettes went up, lettin’ the world know that it was my turn. My show. My rodeo! Nowadays…no dice. Halloween turns into Christmas with no mention of Thanksgiving in between. I’m lucky if I get a week of department store advertisements, half-assed grocery store commercials, and a few television show episodes about me! Now I see how Father’s Day feels. Do the kids even have Thanksgiving plays anymore? Better yet, does anybody even care?
They don’t love me like they used to. WHY? Because you’re steppin’ on my toes, pissin’ in my cereal, takin’ my glory and I don’t appreciate that sh*t one bit, fam!
Thanksgiving Thursday used to be like a pre-Christmas warm up. Families would get together at their oldest living relative’s house and hang out until the wee hours of the morning. I didn’t even care that they got drunk because they were celebrating me! See, the stories about the Pilgrims and Indians feasting together are cool, but everybody knew that Thanksgiving was about being with family. Now, all they do is eat and run. No time to celebrate and give thanks for the food and the love and what not. Folks are too busy tryin’ to make it to the Black
Friday Thursday sales to get deals on bullsh*t they won’t even remember in a couple of months. Meanwhile, the life-long memories I provide people with are flushed down the toilet, like all the toilet paper they’ll need after all the great food their grandmomma’s spent all day slavin’ over a hot stove to provide them with. As soon as they shovel down the last piece of sweet potato pie and okra, it’s off to join the swarms of shoppers and–just like that–they forget it was even Thanksgiving Day to begin with. STORES USED TO BE CLOSED ON THANKSGIVING DAY, YOU SELFISH BASTARD!
Back when “Black Friday” was really on Friday (before it began on Thursday at 8:00 pm), I didn’t mind you stealing little chunks of my glory. Now, I find myself drunk the day before Christmas hopin’ that Santa Claus crashes into a skyscraper or one of his mangy reindeer come down with a case of Hoof and Mouth disease. I won’t be surprised if people start eating deer on Thanksgiving instead of turkey just to remind them that Christmas is coming. For the record, I’d respect you more if you spoke on Baby Jesus sometimes, but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation.
Christmas, with all due respect, you’ve become a douchebag, and apparently I’m the only one with the jingle bells to say it to you. I’d appreciate it if you go back to December and stay out of November. I’m tired of seeing you in my parking space, man.
Enough about this, though. I’ve wasted too much of my limited time on you. Take care of yourself until next year, pal. Nah, who am I kidding…go to hell, you jerk.
Love Always (but not really),
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