Citizens of the global village are hovered over their screens waiting for the latest clues in what may be the biggest mystery in modern aviation history. On March 8th contact was lost with Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 after the jet left Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, for Beijing. It was carrying 227 passengers and 12 crew members.
Almost a week later investigators are no closer to finding the plane or its passengers than on day one. The tension is growing daily as families wonder if their loved ones are alive or dead and you can almost hear the Hans Zimmer score building in the background.
We’re not afraid to admit that we’re growing a little desperate. It’s 2014. Jumbo Jets don’t just disappear–except in the movies. So maybe we need to turn to Hollywood for a solution. Here is who we’d call stat to bring this crisis to a close.
He’s fought the Empire. He’s fought wolves. He’s fought Batman. They took his wife and his daughter and he got them both back with nothing but a cellphone battery and pack of Mentos. In his latest film “Non-Stop” the fighting Irishman is an air marshall that has to solve in-flight murders (not counting the snack boxes with expired cheese). Give him a piece of thread from Cliff Huxtable’s sweater and an old subway token and he’ll find that plane.
He fought the Empire, too. Not to mention he held his own against cannibals, Chinese gangsters and Nazis all while NEVER losing his trademark Fedora (can you do that, Pharrell?). He’s got experience with hijackers, fighting them off in “Air Force One” and we’re convinced that somebody has this Boeing on the ground somewhere waiting to ask for 1 BILLION dollars and a tank full of sharks with laser beams on their heads.
Ok, so he fought the damn Empire, too. (Are the Sith behind the missing plane, dammit?) But when it comes to shenanigans in the sky no one has dealt with crazier ish than this fearless Capital One spokesman. Snakes on one hand and an army of Chitauri in the other. Let’s just hope this plane hasn’t crashed in the water because he didn’t do too well against the shark.
He fought German thugs on Christmas eve with no shoes. He saved the world from the above Samuel L. Jackson wearing nothing but a poncho. He even castrated an Oompa Loompa-like child molester with his bare hands. McLain, find the plane.
I know that some of you are trying to forget her riveting performance in “Battleship,” but the reigning Co-Queen of Instagram has more real life experience with captive people on planes than the other actors on this list. In 2012 her 777 Tour had the pop star hopping across 7 countries in 7 days with a plane load of bloggers in tow. Halfway through the tour the writers mutinied due to lack of sleep, food and access to Rihanna. One guy removed his clothes in protest. If anyone knows how to find a plane load of people stuck in limbo Ri-Ri is your woman.
May the force be with them all…
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