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Did Mr. West fall asleep on Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls again? That’s about all I get from the Lollipop Remix hangover that is Kanye’s Auto-Soul debut, “Love Lockdown.”

Okay. Maybe that’s not all a smarty-art Negro can gather.

The video plays like a fucked up IKEA commercial that tells you where your furniture really comes from. Homeboy has visions of getting your love locked down, inspected, sold through the Middle Passage, inspected, sold to Captain Jackson and put to work in the Carolina tobacco fields.

Mind you–there ain’t nann notta African in this video. He caught a bunch of Lion King understudies on their lunch break and convinced them to act an ass on camera. These niggas is runnin around with fades and Invisalign. Closest thing you might got to an African is the one dude from Cleveland or some shit.

Some of these young ladies got perms and Yaki. See now, they was already Dark & Lovely before the conquistadors. They ain’t need Lark Vorhees or Stacey Dash on the side of a no-lye relaxer box to tell them so. There’s no Yaki in ancient African society. I don’t know if they was doin the 100% Human Hair thing or what, but I’m pretty sure there was no Kim’s Beauty Supply back then.

I know Kanye’s been waiting for his Spaceship for sometime. Is this where he wanted it to take him? If so, is Kanye aware that those Africans would probably exile his ass to the lion-infested plains for his incessant displays of bitchassery?

I’m surprised Ellen Degeneres let him drop graffiti-titty bitches at 10 am… Nevermind. No, I’m not.

How the only thing he got in his living area is a telescope? He spends all night looking at Uranus from atop his own special volcano on Sex Planet.

It’s gonna be okay, Kanyevel. We all long for that special someone’s black hole from time to time.

Ellen, I know you want to help. You’re a cool-ass broad. I fucks with you. Been fuckin with you since Open House, but please, I implore you–Stop telling this nigga he’s “brilliant.” He’ll never come down from this. “Different” and “brilliant” are not synonymous. This nigra need to know he wrong for sittin his Billy Ocean ass down in the corner with that Miami Vice suit on. Instead, Degeneres calls “Love Lockdown” brilliant, giving him full permission to go on another coke bender at the next awards show and telling us he’s the greatest soul singer of all time too.

No. Wait. Maybe Kanye’s onto something! I’m getting something! The drums! Our ancestors are speaking to me though the mangled Japanese drumkit! They’re saying… Ummm, sounds like… “The weed’s too strong.”

Hmm. I wonder what they mean by that.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Have you inspected your love’s gums yet? ron@ronmexicocity.com

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