Some of the real headlines for 2009 (“Lil Wayne Can’t Sell House Because Of Weed Smell”) and “ Cop Pulls Out Gun At Snowball Fight”) were pretty outrageous. We can only imagine what 2010 has in store. Check our predictions:
10. “Dr. Dre Goes To Med School”
After years of delaying the release of Detox Andre Young revealed that he was studying for the MCAT and that given the news of Roxanne Shante’s fake Phd, he wanted to bring “a real Dr. to hip-hop.”
9. “Lil Wayne Converts To Islam”
Emerging from a 9 month bid for gun possession Weezy avoided the tossed salad man by joining the Nation. Now on the outside he begins work on his latest album, Brand Nu Being.
8. “Rihanna Runs NYC Marathon”
Inspired by her 2009 hit with Jay-Z, Run This Town, The Bajan beauty puts her celebrated legs to work. Rumors of a Chris Brown look-a-like chasing her to the finish line were unfounded.
7. “Rick Ross Gets Gastric Bypass, Becomes Model”
After collapsing on stage from a heart attack Officer Ricky swears off McDonalds, gets his stomach clipped and loses 120 pounds. He becomes the face of Sean John’s latest fragrance, BAWSE.
6. “Diddy Sells Biggie’s Publishing To Steve Jobs”
Finally running out of ways to recycle the late B.I.G’s rhymes Puff just sells the the publishing to Steve Jobs in exchange for stock in Apple and having a free “Diddy Bop” App pre-installed on every new iPhone.
5.”Oprah Goes To QueensBridge With Nas”
Since everyone thought it was cool for her to go to Jay-Z’s old hood, Oprah ends her run on talk show TV with a trip to the haunted castle with Nasir Jones.
4. “New Tupac Song Name-Drops Obama”
The “Tupac Is Alive” brigade got a boost when an untitled mixtape cut leaks with the lyrics, “You know I got love for my momma/And you I’m rugged and black like an old bomber…” Folks heard “Obama” and won’t let it go…
3. “GALLERY: Kanye West Spotted Eating Fish Sticks”
After losing a bet with T-Pain Yeezy was forced to order a plate of fish sticks at a local restaurant. He also has to smile and say “these are the greatest fish sticks of all time.”
2. Flavor Flav Is Hit With Shoe At Concert
A disgrunteled “Flavor Of Love” contestant made her way to the front row of a Public Enemy concert and hurled a size 13 unlaced Air Yeezy at Flav screaming, “I’ve got your soul mate right here, bitch!”
1. “Hip-Hop Officially Dies. VH1 Hosts Eulogy”
Fed up with exploitation and commercialization, Hip-Hop fakes its death so that it can be placed in the witness protection program. Hip-Hop was last seen strangled with a mic cord wearing a pair of De La Soul Nike Dunks and copy of DJ Hero shoved in H.E.R. mouth.