You can tell 50 Cent has been making movies during the better part of these past two years. The clip for “Get Up,” Fitty’s latest desperate plea for your attention, contains all the worst parts of your favorite cheesy action movies in one inexplicable 4-minute package.

If you’re a fan of aggressively being told what to do in a post-apocalyptic setting, this might be your favorite video.

Sorry, Fitty. I guess niggas is mad they spent all that money on them quarter waters when everybody know G2 is low in calories–and my mama like it. So if my mama like it, I like it.

What exactly are we looking at here? Is this the straight-to-BET Lackluster Cinema version of Universal Soldier 4: Back 2 Da Hood? Maybe this is the Will Smith-less cover for I Am Finished. Either way, somebody should make 50 aware that the whole Terminate On Sight marketing campaign didn’t work out very well. He may have been too busy steaming blunts with Val Kilmer to notice.

I guess Shady/Aftermath, like the Republican party, has committed to more of the same. They’re taking a hard line here with the Cyborg Gangsters, but if they keep sending troops maybe something will give.

Our hero clearly found reassurance from somewhere. The confidence in a line like, “My question is, ‘Who they gonna blame/ when I’m back #1 on the Billboard again?’” indicates that somebody done found The Secret. If you believe it, do some ecstasy with Banks and Yayo, and scantly represent it on an Etch-A-Sketch, you can achieve it!

We can also just stumble upon blackaneese video hoes dressed like Jamaican strippers in the middle of the war zone.

“Bloodclaat. A my Elektra dis!”

While this video’s redeeming qualities are few and far-between, I did learn something. 50 Cent will revive a half-dead stranger before he throws any more gorilla pipe to Vivica Fox. That’s good to know in the event I run into her at another Waffle House or something.

“Get Up” is very Kobe in its approach to keeping the ladies engaged. It’s reminiscent of Teddy Pendegrass, who–as wise man once said–scared the bitches into giving up the pussy.” [Name that wise man.]

I still don’t understand the ending. Is Cap’n P.I.M.P. saving all the video hoes now? Them’s mixed messages like a motherucker coming from the nigga who made “Bitch, Get In My Car.”

[Blogger’s Note: I’ve got room for all ye who wish to ride.]

Questions? Comments? Requests? Still think Vivica’s a good look?

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