No Phone Is Really ‘Smart’ Until It Can Do These 5 Things

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mopheus matrix phone

Smartphones are evolving at a phenomenal rate. Ten years ago they had no internet capability, much less GPS navigation, arcade-quality video games, or unlimited data transference. Now, the average smartphones is as good as a little robot. All that’s missing are the arms, legs and head.

However, before it gets to full-fledged robot housekeeper status, there are some other advances they will need to take place. My suggestion is they start with these primitive, yet useful features. And somehow, I think you’ll agree.

Hand Warmer

No matter where you reside, at some point during the year it gets cold. When that happens, you undoubtedly find some type of gloves to wear. The problem, however, is that you’re addicted to your smartphone and find yourself pulling off your gloves with your teeth every time it rings or you have a bright idea for a Tweet or Facebook update. If smartphones were equipped with some sort of internal heating system, your problem would be solved. People carry their smartphones around 75% of the time anyway. For illustrative purpose, imagine Siri saying, “You have hands like a Zombie. Let me help you out a bit.” With this invention, the market would obliterate any company that makes gloves. I hope I didn’t just plant a seed that will eventually cost some folks their livelihoods.

birdman handrub gif

Built-In Taser

Crime may not necessarily be everywhere you go, but let’s face it…it’s rough out here, no matter where you live. Carrying a knife or a gun — while I don’t advise it — would definitely make you feel safer, especially since it seems like you can’t even trust the cops to do their jobs without violating your civil rights. But that sort of thing is generally frowned upon by the judicial system. You can avoid all the politics and urban melodrama with a quaint, quiet taser-phone. Picture sitting in the park at midnight having a heart-to-heart talk with a loved one. Suddenly, a crook emerges from behind a tree to relieve you of your goods. You wouldn’t even have to stop telling your cousin how she should stop getting pregnant by every boyfriend she has, just *zap* the intruder and continue the convo. He doesn’t die, you keep your merchandise, and it’s a win-win. I’d advise you call the cops after that, though. Loose ends need tying, if you catch my drift.

hangover-taser (1)

Mini Flare Gun

A flare gun can serve many purposes. True, it can help you get rescued from a deserted island or snowy mountain cliff, but there are also more practical uses that it can serve, too. Not that I know personally, but it’s a great way to scare off stray dogs and other vermin that haplessly wander through the streets looking for something to gnaw on. For those nights when the bus is late and you don’t make it back to your not-so-Mr. Roger-ly neighborhood, a well-timed flare expelled from you Samsung Galaxy (see what I did there?) can illuminate your path like Michael Jackson prancing in the “Billie Jean” video. Worst case scenario; the aforementioned taser only stuns some stickyfingered criminal whose out to get your goods, but a point-blank flare to the chest will surely get the attention that a jolt of electricity couldn’t. I imagine there are laws against this sort of thing, but hey, they legalized marijuana, didn’t they?

stryker_s_flare_gun_fatality_by_epicbronyman-d5z7dde

Cigarette Lighter

How often do you lose your lighter? As much as you misplace the remote control, am I right? Now, how often do you lose your smartphone? Do the math… ‘Nuff said.

cigarette-lighter-cellphone-1

Automatic Lie Detector

I could see this spinning terribly out of control and wreaking pure havoc on the social dynamics of human interaction, but so be it. It’s a chance that I bet most people would be willing to take. Why? Because like I once heard an old drunk woman say, “If you’ll lie, you’ll steal, and if you’ll steal, you’ll kill.” Before you know it everyone everywhere will be trying to figure out whether you’re keeping it real or real really dishonest. People will stop trusting one another. Boss’ will be waving their smartphones in your face when you come back off of a sick day. Marriages will become virtually extinct because men will be getting caught in the little lies that we — over the past 30 or so years — perfected. Bedlam will literally break loose. But hey, at least we’ll all be honest from now on, no?

lie detector

More in Tech Zone:

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Terrence Howard: “Somebody Do Something About Butt-Dialing!”

5 Wacky Gadgets That Would Be Great To Have In Real Life

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