The Most Burning Question About Metta World Artest’s Name Change…

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If the chronicles of Solange Knowles (aka the elevator Larry Davis) have taught us anything, it’s that you don’t court the crazy. And any man that wants to fist fight an entire arena at halftime definitely qualifies as a few forties short of a front porch.

But once the word hit the wire that QB’s own bugged out baller Metta World Peace, the wilding out for the night fist-thrower formally known as Ron Artest, was changing his name once again, we foolishly let ourselves assume the NBA champion would be taking it back to the first name to be found on his birth certificate. But when the word came back that he signed up to play for the Chinese Basketball Association’s Sichuan Blue Whale team and was changing his name to “The Panda’s Friend”?

 

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Negro… you’re from Queensbridge.

And when a man born and raised in the heart of one of the world’s most notorious projects, home of Hip-Hop legends from Nas to Cormega to Mobb Deep to Marley Marl, decides to spend some salary on a name that sounds like a missing Pokemon character, there’s honestly only one question that can be asked:

Fam…. Where were your boys?

It’s been years since the Malice in Palace. There’s no way you’ve managed to spray ‘crazy away’ on everybody you were cool with! Kobe couldn’t tell you the struggle of having to be like Mike to make people forget that his parents named him after a steak? Stephen Jackson couldn’t take time out from writing bars about using Steven Francis’s throat for a hand-warmer to remind you that the only black and white fuzzy things in the hood are cops, pigeons or the occasional Mormon on a bike? If the nut was on another tree, would you really be cool with Jeremy Lin playing for the Brooklyn Nets and changing his name to “The Rottweiler Whisperer”? You might. You know why?

Negro… you’re from Queensbridge.

With that in mind, just know this. Memorizing the menus at the Chinese spot does NOT make you an ace on Asian culture. Adding Lo Mein to the four chicken wings with French fries isn’t gonna give you any extra pull when you ask where Jackie Chan lives. “Five Deadly Venoms” is probably something you’ll catch if you don’t wear a condom in the wrong massage parlor. And yes, they will arrest the SH*T out of you if you attempt to tag up the Great Wall whether you know The Wu-Tang Clan or not.

tropic thunder panda hat gir

If you have plans to go over there and embarrass us any more than you already have, then I hope you get pissed on by the first Panda you give a pound to and bit by the second. Knowing you as we do, you’ll be at the zoo wearing a black and white fur coat over a white wife beater, black basketball shorts while barefoot to make them feel more comfortable. After all, (sigh)

Negro… You’re from Queensbridge.

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