The powers that be have won the war on pink slime, a beef by-product made up of cow intestines, connective tissue and other mystery parts not used in beef cuts.

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While McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Burger King decided in January that they would stop using the filler in their food, it is still being used in school lunches. This needs to stop.

We’re sure the manufacturers of pink slime are concerned that their profits are going to take a dive when we (hopefully) stop feeding this mess to our children. So in the spirit of capitalism and health we offer five alternative uses for pink slime so that we can stop making people eat this crap.

1. Nicki Minaj’s Styling Gel:

There is more and more evidence that Roman Zolanksi is not of this planet, and with the many ways she styles her hair, this pink stuff might be just the thing she needs to keep her wigs tight. And if those ass shots really did “wear off” she’s got a lifetime supply of pump-a-rump right here.

2.Alternative Fuel:

Gas prices are near record levels and President Obama needs some answers quickly, especially in this election year. We’re sure that this pink goop can be burned or otherwise recycled for bio fuel to help run a car–instead of giving people the runs.

3.Smirnoff “Stuffed” Vodka:

The liquor company has already introduced “Whipped” and “Fluffed” flavored spirits so why not “Stuffed”? Bacon flavored vodka is popular amongst future bypass surgery candidates that love to combine their vices, so why not take this former Happy Meal filler and get people drunk AND full at once? Think about the health care savings when half the drinkers drop dead.


Harlem rapper Vado has made a good name for himself thanks to his “Slime Flu” mixtapes. We think he should hook up with Lil Kim to do a “Pink Slime” collabo mixtape with the obvious first song being called…wait for it…”What’s Beef?”


Floam, flubber and Slobheads have all made some enterprising person a lot of money. The pink slime appears to be pretty durable, so there must be some way to make people play with it for profit. Ropes, models and chemistry sets are all potential revenue building uses for the goop. And if you want to dabble in the adult toy realm those possibilities are only limited by your imagination. And it’s edible…sort of.


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