Hollywood has a way of tainting some our favorite TV shows, children’s board games and even classic movies with terrible remakes and adaptations. But perhaps one of its worst offenses is how the big screen has treated our video games for nearly twenty years.
Poor scripts, crappy acting and disastrous sequels have left us suffering post-traumatic stress. Though we hate to dig up those feelings again, let’s light a candle for those bad movies inspired by video games that we dare never speak of again:
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Super Mario Bros (1993): Oh, a live action version of two little men that jump over mushrooms and smash their heads into bricks wasn’t a good movie? Duh. How this even made it to the big screen, we’ll never know. Not even the hilarious John Leguizamo could save this movie.
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001): Angelina Jolie, bless her heart, is a really good dramatic actress. Too bad she can’t seem to find an action movie worth her time. And her role as a daisy duke sporting cave warrior who faces off against underground creatures is no exception. It’s an empty and surprisingly boring adaptation.
Silent Hill: Revelation 3D (2012): Once you introduce the idea of another dimension in your already weak horror film franchise, chances are you’re tapped out, after only one previous film. Add the gratuitous 3D and you’ve got the makings of a true dud.
Max Payne (2008): This shouldn’t have been as bad as it was. It’s a slick, neo-noir revenge film, with the current Hollywood-appointed action figure Mark Wahlberg as the title character. But with a dull script and unconvincing performances, the movie left us rooting for the bad guys.
Double Dragon (1994): We bet y’all thought we forgot about this one, huh? This completely outrageous plot that follows two teens and a magical medallion in a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles was laughable, at best. There’s just too much going on here, and nothing good.
Street Fighter (1994): We know Jean-Claude Van Damme is one of the founding fathers of action movies, but we will never forgive him for this one. It’s like a parody of every film of its genre, with more struggle face.
House of the Dead (1993): At the very least this ridiculous movie about a bunch of teens who wander off onto a deserted island and turn into zombie bait gave us a few laughs, but it failed live up to expectations. It wasn’t scary; it was just sad.
Final Fantasy: For a movie that holds the record of having the biggest price tag in the history of video game movies, it sure wasted no dollars on a decent screenplay. Sure, the talent (which included Ving Rhames and Alec Baldwin) was there, but no amount of money and flashy effects could have overshadowed the ultimate mess it was.
Tron: Legacy (2010): We’re sure there was a plot here, but we couldn’t find one. After you get past all the dope visual effects, we’re left with corny dialogue and phoned-in acting. We expected more from a sequel we waited nearly twenty years to see.
Resident Evil: Retribution (2012): We had so many questions about this movie—Why was Michelle Rodriguez’s character Rain brought back to life? How is Alice (Milla Jovovich) still alive and fighting off the same monsters she was in the first several movies? But our main question still remains: why did this movie even happen?
Candice Frederick is an NABJ award-winning journalist, movie contributor for Bitch Flicks, and film blogger for Reel Talk. Follow her on twitter.
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