Thanksgiving is the one time of year where we get our glutton on with no regrets, so some of us might forget what the holiday is all about — pilgrims busting down teepee doors and all that hot mess. Thanks to, here are the reasons why Thanksgiving is pure evil!

1. The Pilgrims Had an Abusive Relationship with Squanto.

When the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, they had no clue as to what was what when it came to living in North. What’s winter? Squanto became the teacher and showed those pilgrims basic daily habits like how to cook, groom, and bathe. But did you know that Squanto was  originally kidnapped, shipped across the pond, then talked his way back to America only to kill his tribe when he got back? And the Pilgrims somehow convince Squanto to still help them out.

2. The Pilgrims Were Thankful Those Indians Died

Smallpox wiped out 96% of the Native Americans thanks to the Europeans, so that meant more harvest for the Pilgrims and more land for them to take over.

3. Won’t Somebody Please Think of the Turkeys?

Forty-five million turkeys die each year for our Thanksgiving sins each year for one day. One day! It’s no wonder the President has to pardon one each year.

4. We Gobble Gobble As Our Big Bellies Wobble Wobble the Dinner Table

To put it plain and simply, we eat too much on this day. Thanksgiving is NOT an excuse to get it poppin’ with every single side dish for second and third helpings.


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