Last week on the hit series “Scandal,” Joe Morton, aka Rowan Pope, gave audiences full of adoring fans a dose of the Holy Ghost in their living rooms when he read his home-wrecking daughter the wrath of God for getting busted sleeping with the POTUS. He offered her a one-way exit strategy and ended his sermon with the instantly meme-able phrase “I AM the hell and high-water.”
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We were wondering what Papa Pope might do if he was turned loose on some of the other high-profile problems floating around the spotlight? The Urban daily took a few guesses.
Chris Brown:
Caught walking out of his home, Chris Brown is thrown in a full-nelson and dragged into a nearby alley where he’s told: “Unless you want to feel a man’s mouth this close to the back of your neck and ear ever again, you’ll do exactly what I say. You’ll be investing in a home studio to avoid Frank Ocean. You will begin writing songs about loving women and doing anything for them so you can out-Drake Drake. When you get home, Ashanti will be waiting in your living room. No one wants her so there’ll be no conflict and she’ll do anything to stay in the lime-light. You will cease all gang-related lingo because using it only makes you look dumb when you say you can’t understand why you’re treated like the bad guy. Otherwise you’ll be locked up with an inmate named “Mother Bear” who’s an expert in holding his roommates just like this. Clear?
Kanye West:
Bound and gagged in the truck of a Lamborghini, the hood opens and bright lights shine in his face. “Here’s what’s going to happen Mr. West. You will first hire a maid and cleaning staff to take out the trash for you at 4am. A press conference has been scheduled where you will announce that through a series of yoga sessions, decaf treatments and etiquette classes (all of which you WILL enroll in immediately,) you’ve become a calmer person to talk to and after a long conversation with a priest you and Kim will be leaving Kris Jenner’s home and renaming your daughter something other than a direction.
Rihanna:
Forced into a locked studio booth Rihanna is told through the speakers: From here you will immediately enter a Twitter rehab for a year where you will receive counseling as well as write apology letters to Karrueche Tran, Teyana Taylor and your publicist for all the cyber bullying you’ve done. Upon returning home, you will fire your friends, yes-men and stylist and have no further contact with them or the director of “Pour It Up.” You will also enroll in vocal lessons and a dance/squat class alongside Mylie Cyrus. The video section of your Instagram has been permanently disabled and any attempt to reinstate it will result in you betting 9 million dollars on yourself in a fight between you and Teyana Taylor.
Miley Cyrus:
After waking up to find the severed head of a stuffed bear laying next to her, Miley rushes out of bed and steps onto a rope that snags her ankle and hoists her into the air upside down. A voice comes from the shadow and says: All of your black and Latino “friends” will be picked off by snipers hired by Paula Patton if they ever come near you again. Your father’s homes and vehicles have been laced with explosives designed to go off if you ever perform or mention the word twerk. For the next eight months you will be going to the gym twice a day where you will take Modern and Jazz dance classes and perform 500 squats between each class. If you have not grown some form of an ass when it’s over, you will be kneecapped and sent back to Disney to play “Wheelchair Jenny” in a new version of Degrassi.
DMX:
You will be sent to rehab. And NEVER LET OUT.
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