Most of what you are about to read is not true…

In “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire,” Alicia Keys returns to tell the story of Katniss Everdeen, a brave Scottish girl fighting against the evils of reality television armed with nothing but her bow and arrows.

The sequel to the box office smash “The Hunger Games” picks up after Katniss has shown up the evil President Snow, played convincingly by late night talk show troll Jimmy Kimmel, in the annual Games where children from various districts are pitted against themselves in combat for the entertainment of the country. Katniss is now involved in a fake relationship with fellow survivor Peeta “Bread” Melark, whose unrequited love is brought to its emo peak in a BET Award worthy performance by Aubrey “Drake” Graham.

Katniss has evolved into a reluctant shero and symbol of rebellion and is being set upon by the powers that be at VH1 who want to use her to quell the huddled masses. However, the growing dissent on Black Twitter has caused President Snow to release “peace keepers” who commit the unspeakable atrocity of throwing people in Twitter jail for not being verified.

Meanwhile, Katniss Keys and Peeta Gunz continue their fraud relationship for the cameras and even plan a wedding to appear more convincing. However, The Snowman decides that Katniss and the other winners of the games are a bigger threat than he imagined and arranges for the past survivors to fight it out in a Pay-Per-View reunion special.

En route to the reunion special in Chiraq, Katniss and Peeta are given final counsel by their pastel flavored sponsor Effie Trinket, whose paper machet butterfly dresses are brought to life on screen by Nicki Minaj, and the alcoholic, curmudgeon Haymitch Abernathy, played by Raymond “Benzino” Scott.

Katniss’s dear friend Cinna, played by Kanye West, is fresh from his internship at Fendi and repurposes her wedding gown to literally catch on fire, transforming her into the Angriest Bird the game–hand held or otherwise- has ever seen. After charming the crowd at a holiday gathering sponsored by Barneys, Cinna tells her to go forth and represent for the New Slaves at the reunion special. Sensing that she may be in more danger than usual, he then hands her a $350 belt with a confederate flag buckle and cautions her to “make the money, don’t let the money make you.”

While fighting for her life in the jungles of Chiraq, Katniss loses her bow in a freak twerking accident and things come to a head when she is ambushed by a rogue band of tributes who surround her with new iPhone 5Ss chanting “oooh Kill ’em” and she is left with only one way to defeat her foes: she sets herself on fire and they cower in amazement that she doesn’t burn. Her magic trick sends sponsors into a frenzy and the remaining tributes flee in awe of her powers. As the flames die down and she shakes off the ash, Hugh Jackman appears from behind a tree to profess his love, hands her the Autobot Matrix Of Leadership and tells her, “You got the juice, now.”

“The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” triumphs as audiences are forced to confront humanity at its worst.  When President Snow begins posting Photoshopped images of Katniss on Instagram in an attempt to discredit her with the people, we see the mirror being turned upon us all. And when Peeta has his private texts to Katniss about a $200 date screen captured and placed on tumblr, you can almost hear the collective groans in the theater. But all of it pays off in the end when the reunion special receives the highest ratings of any games and the survivors are rewarded for their tenacity with the ultimate prize…

A new season…

Remember who the enemy is.

“The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” is in theaters this Friday.

Shawn Hemp is a  film school revolutionary who spends his free time rewinding tapes in the basement of the last Blockbuster on earth. When it comes to movies he’s a little bit paranoid but that doesn’t mean they’re not out to get him. So he sends coded messages to the resistance in his “Half-Baked” film reviews.

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