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Having recently climbed to #4 on the NAACP’s 10 Most Wanted List, Soulja Boy Tell’em looks to shuffle, jig, whine and incoherently mumble his way back to the top of the Billboard charts with happy slave anthems “Turn My Swag On” and “Bird Walk.”

What can I say about Soulja Boy that hasn’t already been said about Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima?

While those with actual “swag” already know that it never need be turned on, Soulja Boy continues to misguide a generation of newer, hungrier thugs that lack the code and discipline of old-school gangsters.

Sorry–I was watching The Wire last night. That’s not what I meant to say.

Surviving a minute or so of this song and visual representation may be as difficult as surviving a year of West African diamond mining. I only do it in hopes of being reunited with my family separated by the R.U.F.

Sorry–I was watching Blood Diamond too. Shoutout to Kimora!

On the subjects of Africa and the diamond cluster cereal shown in the music video, Tellem had some choice words for RMC correspondent Tameka Mexico-Barclays:

“Oh, yeah. After what I said to that one yellow book-learnted nigga [Toure] got blowed all outta [pro]portion, I really wanted to get in tune with my African side. I figures like eatin them diamonds would be like eatin they African souls seein’ as how they gave they lives so I could stay fly. So now they like a part of me, you dig?” -Soulja Boy

Dependent Nation of Africa’s press secretary, Kwame Mumbambu was unavailable for comment.

Ironically enough, lyrics like, “When I was 9 years old/ I put it on my head that I’mma die for this gold” provide sufficient communion and parallel between SB and his African counterparts whose ancestors know not the wonders of American enslavement.

Speaking of slavery, the “Berrrd Wawwlk” looks and sounds like something Chicken George would perform on-demand for massa’s entertainment.

I mean, it’s not like they had BET back then or anything. Hoofin’ hadn’t been digitized yet.

I think it’s hilarious that Soulja went with a football-themed video for “Bird Walk,” as I’ve always thought he looks like a malnourished Plaxico Burress. He smiles as wide for jewelry as a famished child in Sierra Leone does for that U.N. bag of grain–that is, before a local warlord intercepts the delivery.

Since we’re already on Deebo watch, I must say, that last dude shown bouncing up and down in the homie rollcall around 2:45 is entirely too old to be playin with these little niggas. Maybe he’s The Rock to their S.O.D. Money Gridiron Gang?

I apologize in advance for all of this. No, not for the slavery and Africa jokes. Seven minutes of Soulja Boy is a bit much to ask of anyone, so thanks for rockin with the hate.

See you Monday. Stay classy, San Diego.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Recently develop an insatiable hunger for cornbread?

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