If the beach isn’t your thing, call up a taxi (or your drive your legally purchased vehicle) and head out to the hillside for a breathtaking hike through the trails of Tataviam Mountains, where boundless animals roam free and the scenery makes you wish the screen didn’t get all misty when you press the “Pause” button. In fact, you can go online (through your iFruit), purchase a mountain bike, and traverse the all-terrain mounds on two wheels. Be sure to slow down occasionally or you won’t be able to smell the roses, fresh feces, and animal carcasses that line your rocky path.

Notice that you haven’t killed anyone, visited a strip club, or used any types of drugs, yet. If this isn’t “family fun,” I don’t know what is.

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